Life in the Nice Lane

Just realized something today: it doesn't pay to be courteous while driving.

I am CONSTANTLY trying to extend a helping hand to John Q. Driver, and all I get is grief! I let people merge in front of my car when their lane suddenly ends, I wave cars on at four-way stop signs even if I get there first, I slow down to allow people waiting to pull out from gas stations or banks to get onto a busy road with ease (however, I NEVER help cars pulling out from fast food restaurants or xxx video rental stores...if you insist on supporting obesity, or are a scary old pervert, I'm just not your ally). And what do I get in return? BLANK STARES! That's right, I'd say about 75% of the instances where I make it clear that I am deferring to a fellow car driver, I get a big fat helping of STUPID DRIVER, who just doesn't get that a hand wave and a smile means "Go Ahead!"

I've managed to narrow down the reasons for this communication breakdown to two potential explanations: 1) the moment I buckle my seatbelt, a cloaking device is enabled that makes drivers unable to see me inside my car because the latest episode of NBC's Teachers is being broadcast on my car windows (get it? Teachers is so bad, it results in blank stares...I'm mocking you, you terrible show); or 2) our culture is so self-absorbed that even a small measure of courtesy, in the form of letting a car go ahead of you, seems so unlikely and naive that a person is actually stunned at the sheer possibility of such an act of courtesy. I'm thinking the second explanation is the correct one, but I'm open for debate.

The unfortunate side of this realization is that it seems to make more sense NOT to help other drivers and just worry about yourself, rather than help them and create a world of confusion for yourself, them, and all the increasingly angry drivers around you. This is what I have come to refer to as the "New York City Effect" (and I have a great driving story that I could reference involving a trip to NYC to see Twelve Angry Men, a completely full NJ Transit parking lot, Mr. Cooper falling flat on his ass on the corner of 42nd and 3rd, and a parking garage bill of $60...I'll post about this later).

There's no 'I' in 'TEAM', America...there is, however, a 'ME' in there. So much for the power of that expression. Also, the words 'MEAT', 'EAT', 'TAME', 'ATE', 'AT', 'MET', 'ATM' (abbreviations count), 'MATE', 'MA' (slang), 'EMT' (still counts), 'ME', 'ET' (this one's Latin), 'META' (as in, Metacritic.com, one of the greatest websites), 'EATM' (I made this one up, but if it were real, I'd imagine the meaning would be "a tiny food stain on a shirt or blouse"...feel free to submit your own suggestions), and 'MAT' are in 'TEAM'. I'm trying to find a reason to say the expression "there IS 'EAT' in 'TEAM' ", but I just can't figure when that would be useful to emphasize...maybe at a cannibalism meeting?