Thursday, April 06, 2006

Dela-where?

Here are a few things I learned, observations I made, experiences I...experienced...while driving to and from North Carolina this past week:

1) The further south you get, the funnier the names of the cities become. I had a great urge to swing by Dumfries, Buttner, and Triangle just to point at the people of each city and laugh...while I remained safe inside my vehicle.

2) Radio stations across the nation have decided that, regardless of the genre of music they primarily play, the following songs MUST be heard at least once per hour at all times of the day: 'Rompe' by Daddy Yankee (this just can't be English), 'Hips Don't Lie' by Shakira, 'Run it!' by Chris Brown (who the hell is this!?), 'You're Beautiful' by James Blunt (I get it...someone is beautiful...geez), and every song ever created by the Black Eyed Peas!

3) North Carolina is actually Northern New Jersey. To prove it, try this experiment (you'll need a friend): take a powerful sedative; have a friend leave you on the side of the road in either Durham, North Carolina or East Brunswick, New Jersey; wake up; try and figure out which state your in (CLUE: If you have trouble at first, just make your way to the nearest highway rest stop. If people are pumping their own gas, serving Subway sandwiches in a gas station, and look so incredibly dirty that you'd sooner kiss the gas station toilet seat than shake their hand, you're in North Carolina).

4) The state of Delaware takes approximately 10 minutes to pass through. From what I could tell, the state has only one supermarket, two gas stations, and 64 McDonald's.

5) More than 90% of vehicles driving south on Interstate 95 suffer from a vehicular disease I've determined to be 'Phantom Breaking Syndrome' (or PBS...no relation to the television station). The symptoms of PBS include: breaking of the vehicle when no other vehicle is within 20 car lengths of the front of said vehicle; slowing of the vehicle to 40 miles per hour (less than 3/4 of the speed limit) upon the presence of a law enforcement vehicles; rapid bursts of speed, followed by abrupt stopping, due to an inability to recognize and understand the concept of slow moving traffic. Cases of PBS are most often seen in vehicles over ten years old with obvious functional problems (such as missing windows, clouds of black smoke billowing from the exhaust pipe, or the presence of more than one "dummy" tire), driven by persons equipped with cellular telephones and inflated egos.

6) My 1997 Chevrolet Cavalier, with 117,000 miles, is an amazing vehicle. Did I hear an odd rattling sound for approximately 15 minutes during the return trip through Virginia? Yes, I did. Did I end up making it back to New Jersey? You bet I did!

Next up...a trip to Las Vegas, Los Angeles, and San Diego. My prediction: California is somewhat larger than Delaware.



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