Who Arrrre These People !?

I just thought of something. There are A LOT of television shows that tape each day in front of a live studio audience. Some of them I watch all the time: Conan, The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, Real Time with Bill Maher, etc. Some of them I watch whenever I happen to catch them: Ellen, Letterman, SNL, The Price is Right (hardly ever awake for this one), Who Wants to Be A Millionaire (or this one...and it airs around NOON!), The Jimmy Kimmel Show, etc. And for some of them I'd sooner pull out my fingernails with pliers before watching them: The View, Oprah, Dr. Phil (these three shows alone are enough to make any man sterile for a good year or so after viewing), The Tony Danza Show (who the hell asked for this show? who wants to listen to Tony Danza right after waking up in the morning!?), Live with Regis and Kelly, Jerry Springer (yep, he's still on), Martha Stewart, all judge shows (you've got your Judge Judy, your Divorce Court, your Judge Joe Brown, and so on), etc.

Regardless, I just realized that with each of these shows (and the many shows that I didn't mention) a group of about a hundred or so audience members is required for EACH show's taping! That means that THOUSANDS of people are attending live tapings of shows EACH DAY across the country (mostly in NY, LA, and Chicago, of course). Considering how most of these shows have restrictions on how often you can be a member of their audience (usually once per year), that makes it less likely that these audiences are made up of the same people over and over again. Where do all of these people come from!?

Sure, during college I attended a taping of Conan, Jon Stewart, and Letterman with my friends (as I'm sure many college students do, since they have so much free time), and there's also retired people. But, it's not like the studio audience at Conan is filled with a bunch of people in there 20's and 70's! There are plenty of middle-aged people in the audiences of shows...why aren't they at work, taking care of their families, or doing something else important (again, when your in college or an old person, going to see Letterman IS the most important thing to do)?

The only educated guess I can make is that our country's unemployment rate is so out of control that the people of our nation have decided to give up looking for new jobs and, instead, have decided to seek comfort in the warm embrace of the studio audience. Any other ideas?

It's Time for Everybody's FAVORITE Blog Game...

~ NAME...THAT...STUPID PERSON! ~

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Mystery Guest #1

Our first mystery guest hails all the way from Hollywood California where he currently tapes his nightly "comedy" show for the Comedy Central Network. Unlike Jon Stewart of The Daily Show or Stephen Colbert of The Colbert Report, this Hispanic comedian enjoys telling jokes that not only have no comedic value, but will likely induce severe pain among the viewers. Some say he reminds them of the legendary Chich Marin; others say he resembles a pile of crap wearing clothes. Regardless, this comedian really makes you wonder what the executives at Comedy Central were thinking when they gave such a terrible comedian his own show.

Can you guess who this stupid person is!?
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Mystery Guest #2

Our second mystery guest is not a popular person these days, but that certainly isn't going to stop him from being remembered as one of the smuggest presidents of our country's history! No gut instinct will ever be trumped by facts or professional opinions while this great leader is at the helm of our government. This mystery guest has recently decided to appoint Tony Snow, an anchor at Fox News, as the new White House Press Secretary. An interesting choice, considering Mr. Snow has previously said that our mystery guest is "something of an embarrassment". Then again, our mystery guest and Mr. Snow are both republicans, so that puts them at a higher risk of having no principles.

Can you guess who this stupid person is!?
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Mystery Guest #3

Our final mystery guest can be seen every Wednesday night on ABC's hit show Lost. She joined the cast in the second season and quickly decided that this wonderful career opportunity was not as fun as get arrested for driving while intoxicated...for a second time. Even more interesting, when given the chance this past week to either perform 240 hours of community service or spend 5 days in jail, our mystery guest apparently suffered a brain aneurism and decided to take the 5 days in jail! Unfortunately, our mystery guest enjoys looking a gift horse in the mouth and doesn't realize that the standard community service sentence is one of the perks of being a celebrity that still enjoys the vices of normal people, i.e. public drunkenness. Still, the lawyer for our mystery guest explained that "it would be difficult for her to do community service" without being interrupted by her fans. At least now our mystery guest will have time away from her fans while she's meeting some new friends in jail...and when these people talk to our mystery guest about "getting inside the hatch", they're probably not referring to the latest episode of Lost.

Can you guess who this stupid person is!?
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~ Submit your answers by commenting on this post. ~

~ The first FIVE people to correctly guess all three mystery guests will win* the T-shirt below ~

~ AND ~

~ A BRAND NEW, FULLY LOADED 2006 JEEP COMMANDER !!! ~

*No purchase necessary. Offer not valid in U.S. territories, Hawaii, Alaska, or the other 48 states in the United States of America. Also not valid in all other countries of the world, as well as the planets of Mars, Venus, Mercury, Neptune, Uranus, Jupiter, and Saturn. Offer expires 06/30/06 for residents of Pluto not affiliated with FunnyBecauseIt'sTrue.com, Blogger.com, Jeep, Comedy Central, Chich Marin, ABC Network, or any and all subsidiary companies of said enterprises.

Is That Your Final Answer?

Earlier this week I managed to wake up before noon (I know, it's a pretty big accomplishment) and upon turning on the television, I was greeted by an episode of the daytime version of Who Wants to Be A Millionaire. I used to watch this show all the time, but ever since Mr. Cooper was a contestant on the show back in junior year of college, it just hasn't been as exciting. How can I care about Bob Bunkerton from Wichita, Kansas trying to win enough money to buy a new home, when I've already experienced the excitement of Mr. Cooper and Meredith Vieira shooting the breeze!?

Anyway, I was watching the show and the current contestant was a 25-ish year old guy who seemed to be pretty intelligent. And then this happened....here was the $1000 question:

Q: When covering a fire with a blanket, you are depriving the fire of...

(A) Oxygen................................(B) Carbon Dioxide

(C) Hydrogen.......................................(D) Nitrogen

After a few moments of silence, the seemingly intelligent guy muttered "Well...I know it's not (C) or (D)." Excuse me!? YOU HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THIS!? How does a person get on Who Wants to Be A Millionaire without knowing facts that every 3rd grader learns, facts like "A fire requires OXYGEN"!!! Just sad. And guess what he did next? That's right, he decided to "ask the audience". Wow, nice job...way to waste your lifelines, moron. I guess I should also be surprised and appalled that only 96% of the audience said "Oxygen" (with 2% choosing "Carbon Dioxide" and 1% choosing "Hydrogen" and "Nitrogen" each); then again, in a previous episode of Millionaire, a good 8% of the audience believed the last word in the title of the popular children's game "Duck, Duck, ____" was "Bear", rather than "Goose". That would certainly change the way the game is played: after little Kimberly taps little Tommy on the head, Tommy gets up, chases Kimberly around the circle, and then mauls her to death.

It's a boy!!!

Just a quick CONGRATULATIONS to my girlfriend's sister, who gave birth on April 25th, 2006 to one of the cutest little boys I've ever seen! And, although he was actually named after his grandfather, he also shares a name with my brother, which is cool. This also marks the first time I've EVER held a baby, and it was really exciting. It's amazing how heavy 8 pounds,1 ounce can feel when you're nervously holding a little person that is only 24 hours old!

UPDATE: Best Buy Binge

Remember how I was talking about going and buying Final Fantasy VII - Advent Children today at Best Buy for the low, low price of $14.99? Well guess what happened when I got there? THEY WERE SOLD OUT! Damn them! I should have known. Then, I figured I could just order it on BestBuy.com and have it shipped to the store. Well, conveniently enough, they are currently out of stock on the website, too. I don't have the patience for these shipping shenanigans (what a great alliteration)! I've been forced to get a rain check at Best Buy, to preserve the low, low price of $14.99, and they will "notify me by mail" when the next shipment arrives at the store. What is this, Kmart in 1992!?

The silver lining of this consumer cloud (alliteration #2) comes in the form of DVD television box sets. While scurrying around Best Buy in a purchasing panic (and alliteration #3...done, and done), I stumbled upon a display for American Dad - Season 1, which was also released today. Ironically, I just added this to my Amazon.com Wish List last night, but was not planning on buying it anytime soon. UNTIL, lo and behold, I gazed upon the tiny sign atop the DVD display: "Buy American Dad - Season 1 and INSTANTLY Save $15.00 on Any Season of Family Guy or The Simpson's!". To this I responded...SOLD! I have been on the brink of buying Family Guy - Volume 3 for months now, and this was the perfect fiscal-conscious excuse to do so. Therefore, instead of spending $32.99 for EACH box set, I got them BOTH for the low, low price of $39.99 (that's $24.99 for American Dad and $14.99 for Family Guy). Best Buy, I forgive you.

A Jack of One Trade

As you probably know by now, I love movies. The summer movie season is just DAYS away, and I couldn't be more excited (see my earlier post, Let the 2006 Summer Movie Season Begin!) In an effort to "give back" to the movies that will (hopefully) provide me with plenty of summer entertainment, I've decided that I will post a review (of sorts) for each movie that I see this summer. And, since I am so very excited, I've decided to do a test run by "reviewing" The Sentinel. Enjoy!
______________________________________________________________

Movie Title: The Sentinel.

Starring: Michael Douglas, Kiefer Sutherland, Eva Longoria, Kim Basinger.

Time & Date of Showing: 1:45 matinee showing on Monday, April 24th.

Food & Drink Purchases: 1 Small Raspberry Iced Tea, 1 Small Popcorn (no butter), 1 pack of Welch's Fruit Snacks (a must have).

Theater Situation: Theater 11 at AMC Hamilton 24 Theaters, which is the biggest theater they have (I know because I worked there for 2 years). I'd say there were no more than 20 people in the theater, which can seat over 600 people. Considering it was a matinee, there were lots of old people, which can be good or bad: good, because they have more manners than crazy teens; bad, because there tends to be a lot of coughing, bathroom trips, and loud question asking.

Movie Synopsis in One Sentence: A mole inside the Secret Service is involved in a plan to assassinate the President of the United States.

The Good: Michael Douglas is great as a Secret Service agent, as expected, and Kiefer Sutherland (of the amazing television show, 24) adds to the suspense of the movie as an internal investigator. Surprisingly, Eva Longoria (from Desperate Housewives, or as I like to call it, Sex in the Suburbs) didn't bug me, and seemed to fit well in her role as "the rookie". Plus, you can expect an interesting story, good camera work/editing, and an exciting ending.

The Bad: Kiefer Sutherland is basically playing 24's Jack Bauer (in nicer clothes and with less shouting). Some parts of the story are a bit predictable. Kim Basinger needs to stop taking rolls that involve her being a weepy woman with emotional problems.

The Verdict: If you have time to fit this in before the summer movie season begins, go for it. If you don't see this until it comes out on DVD, you'll survive.

If You Liked______, You'll Like This Movie: In the Line of Fire, The Fugitive, The Game (The Sentinel is literally the love child of these three movies).

FINAL GRADE: B

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The 'Z' Stands For "ZZZZZZZZ...."

In case you haven't already seen, this weekend's box office numbers served as sweet vindication to all of us that warned American Dreamz was going to be a terrible, terrible movie. See for yourself...

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FILM ...................................................WEEKEND GROSS
Silent Hill .............................................. $20.1 million
Scary Movie 4 ....................................... $16.8
The Sentinel .......................................... $14.3
Ice Age: The Meltdown ........................ $13.2
The Wild ............................................... $8.3
The Benchwarmers ............................... $7.2
Take the Lead ....................................... $4.1
Inside Man ............................................ $3.7
American Dreamz ............................ $3.6
Friends with Money .............................. $3.1
___________________________________________

That's right. American Dreamz BOMBED, ranking in the NINTH slot and earning 3.6 million dollars, which is probably just enough to cover the cost of printing copies of the film. Millions of people made the conscious decision to watch Antonio Banderas teach urban high school students how to tango, rather than see American Dreamz. Just terrible.

It's nice to see Silent Hill on top, considering movies based on video games usually tank at the box office (then again, Silent Hill didn't get such great reviews, and probably justifiably so). I won't be seeing it, but I support their effort. I WILL, however, be purchasing the newest feature film of the critically acclaimed, bestselling Final Fantasy franchise, Final Fantasy VII - Advent Children, which goes on sale tomorrow (it's only $14.99 at Best Buy...they really do their name justice!). Thanks to Mr. Cooper for reminding me that it was being released by pointing out its place among the Top Selling DVDs on Amazon.com (currently the #1 Top Selling DVD). This is one excited dork, signing off.

A "Normal" Trip to AC

This past Sunday I took a trip to AC with my family (that's Atlantic City, New Jersey, the "Vegas of the East", for all you international blog readers out there...a special hello, or should I say "Gruezi!", to the Swiss readers that make up 4% of my daily readers). It was a fun trip: blackjack, poker, dinner at Carmine's...all around good time. I ended up leaving winning $105, which is both good and bad: good, because the rest of my family left losing between $100-$200 EACH, and bad because in the first two hours I had easily won $180, and then proceeded to lose all $180 over the next 3 hours (it wasn't until the last 30 minutes of the night that I quickly made back that $105).

Still, even though I had a good time, I couldn't help but feel like something just wasn't right, like something was missing. And I think I've figured out exactly what it was: the adventures that take place during AC trips with the great Mr. Cooper! The following comparisons will help illuminate exactly what I'm talking about...

I. Beginning the Trip:

A Normal Trip to Atlantic City involves starting the day around 9:30 AM, having some breakfast, taking a shower, and starting the 1 hour 30 minute drive around 10:30 AM, to make sure you arrive at AC by noon.

vs.

A Trip to Atlantic City with CJ & Mr. Cooper involves starting the day, or should I say afternoon, around 2:00 PM. No time to shower, only time to jump in the car and wait for Mr. Cooper's call to establish that (a) I'm 3 hours behind schedule, and (b) Mr. Cooper just woke up and will shower while I drive to his house. No time to eat, especially because there's always a Wawa sandwich, Gatorade, and bag of pretzels waiting for you on the drive down. Arrival time in AC: 5:30 PM.

II. Gambling:

A Normal Trip to AC involves a relaxing day of various types of gambling: an hour of blackjack, a $20 bill on the slot machines, watching the excitement of the craps tables, etc. You really want to win money, but you're not expecting too much.
vs.

A Trip to AC with CJ & Mr. Cooper involves only one thing: compulsive gambling. Step 1: find a $10 blackjack table; Step 2: play blackjack; Step 3: do nothing else (the only exception to 'Step 3' is to take numerous bathroom breaks during the two minutes it takes for the decks to be shuffled).

III. Meals:

A Normal Trip involves a nice dinner at a local restaurant after a few hours of gambling.
vs.

A Trip with CJ & Mr. Cooper involves a great midnight dinner at the Bally's restaurant Animations...after we've gambled for 7 hours and have won a few hundred dollars each. Of course, by this point we have become blackjack VIP's and get a meal comp of about $40 total, resulting in the free consumption of diet cokes, iced teas, chicken wings, a Burger platter, a chicken caesar salad, a slice of New York cheesecake, and an ice cream brownie sundae. Or as I like to call it, a situational eating disorder.

IV. Leaving Atlantic City:

A Normal Trip involves leaving the casino after a couple hours of post-dinner gambling, gracefully ending the trip. Departure time: 7:00 PM.
vs.

A Trip with CJ & Mr. Cooper involves battling internal demons and suffering intense mental and physical anguish. How do you walk out of a casino that you just made $300 in playing a card game? The simple answer: you don't. Four blackjack tables and 5 hours later, it's time to go. Departure time: 5:00 AM.

V. The Car Ride Home:

A Normal Trip involves a relaxing evening drive, reminiscing about the fun times of the day's events. With no major traffic, it's back home by 9:00 PM.
vs.

A Trip with CJ & Mr. Cooper involves all available sources of caffeine, including various candies, bags of chocolate, and multiple cans of soda. Once Mr. Cooper is dropped off at home, it's time to drive home alone: windows all the way down, radio all the way up, and a very tight grip on the steering wheel. Unfortunately, I'm guaranteed to hit the morning commuters, which is both annoying and extremely depressing. From the moment I see my first non-existent image on the road ahead, I know I have less than an hour left before I slip into a coma.

Happy Birthday Andrea!

I just wanted to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the best girlfriend in the ENTIRE world, Andrea! She's turning 23, so for the next 2 months I will be dating an older woman. I think I bought some really great presents this year, so I'm extra excited. Bring on the Carvel Ice Cream Cake!!!

* Happy Birthday, Andrea *
~ I Love You ~

Hello. My Name Is CJ, and I Have A Problem.

I love watching movies. I love watching television. I love reading magazines. I love reading books. I love playing video games. I love surfing the web. I LOVE ENTERTAINMENT! Unfortunately, I love doing each of these things every day. As you can guess, this results in a time-management problem. Let's calculate this...

1 New 2-Hour Movie per week
(assuming I watch 2 new movies in theaters and 2 new DVD's per month)
+
15 Hours of Television per week
(assuming I watch Prison Break, 24, The Apprentice, Scrubs, The Real World, Lost, Alias, Survivor, The O.C., My Name is Earl, The Office, Real Time with Bill Maher, The Simpsons, Family Guy, American Dad, The Sopranos, and various other shows I usually watch such as The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, South Park, and news on CNN...you know, just a few select shows )
+
5 Hours of Magazine Reading per week
(assuming it takes 2 hours to read each of 2 weekly magazines, and 2 monthly magazines)
+
1 Hour of Book Reading per week
(assuming I read less than 10 minutes per night)
+
30 Minutes of Video Game Playing per week
(this has significantly decreased over the years, even though a lot of good stuff comes out that I just don't have time or money to buy)
+
14 Hours of Web Surfing per week
(assuming 2 hours per night...thanks a lot, blog!)
=
*** 37.5 Hours of Entertainment PER WEEK ***

Putting all of this in perspective: in a week (which is made up of 168 hours), I spend 22% of my time on entertainment (which translates to 2.5 days of each 7 day week...or, in more upsetting terms, it's like watching television, reading, etc. from Midnight on Monday until Noon on Tuesday each week). This stacks up against 29% of time spent sleeping per week, 15% of my time eating meals, 4% of my time getting showered and dressed, 4% of my time driving in a car, and 0.002% of my time sneezing (this is assuming that an average sneeze, from starting to feel the sneeze urge to the finished sneeze, is 3 seconds long, and I sneeze approximately 4 times per week). Therefore, after being entertained, sleeping, eating, showering/dressing, driving, and sneezing, I have 25.998% of my week left to spend working, seeing my girlfriend, family, and friends, and thinking about the future plans of my life.

I can draw two conclusions from all of this data: (1) I should probably be spending less time on entertainment and more time on important things like thinking about my future (graduate school, here I come?); and (2) I need to find a way to either minimize my sneezing, or lessen the length of my sneezes to about 2.3 seconds each, because it's really eating into my TV watching time.

(How absurd is this picture!?)

Life in the Nice Lane

Just realized something today: it doesn't pay to be courteous while driving.

I am CONSTANTLY trying to extend a helping hand to John Q. Driver, and all I get is grief! I let people merge in front of my car when their lane suddenly ends, I wave cars on at four-way stop signs even if I get there first, I slow down to allow people waiting to pull out from gas stations or banks to get onto a busy road with ease (however, I NEVER help cars pulling out from fast food restaurants or xxx video rental stores...if you insist on supporting obesity, or are a scary old pervert, I'm just not your ally). And what do I get in return? BLANK STARES! That's right, I'd say about 75% of the instances where I make it clear that I am deferring to a fellow car driver, I get a big fat helping of STUPID DRIVER, who just doesn't get that a hand wave and a smile means "Go Ahead!"

I've managed to narrow down the reasons for this communication breakdown to two potential explanations: 1) the moment I buckle my seatbelt, a cloaking device is enabled that makes drivers unable to see me inside my car because the latest episode of NBC's Teachers is being broadcast on my car windows (get it? Teachers is so bad, it results in blank stares...I'm mocking you, you terrible show); or 2) our culture is so self-absorbed that even a small measure of courtesy, in the form of letting a car go ahead of you, seems so unlikely and naive that a person is actually stunned at the sheer possibility of such an act of courtesy. I'm thinking the second explanation is the correct one, but I'm open for debate.

The unfortunate side of this realization is that it seems to make more sense NOT to help other drivers and just worry about yourself, rather than help them and create a world of confusion for yourself, them, and all the increasingly angry drivers around you. This is what I have come to refer to as the "New York City Effect" (and I have a great driving story that I could reference involving a trip to NYC to see Twelve Angry Men, a completely full NJ Transit parking lot, Mr. Cooper falling flat on his ass on the corner of 42nd and 3rd, and a parking garage bill of $60...I'll post about this later).

There's no 'I' in 'TEAM', America...there is, however, a 'ME' in there. So much for the power of that expression. Also, the words 'MEAT', 'EAT', 'TAME', 'ATE', 'AT', 'MET', 'ATM' (abbreviations count), 'MATE', 'MA' (slang), 'EMT' (still counts), 'ME', 'ET' (this one's Latin), 'META' (as in, Metacritic.com, one of the greatest websites), 'EATM' (I made this one up, but if it were real, I'd imagine the meaning would be "a tiny food stain on a shirt or blouse"...feel free to submit your own suggestions), and 'MAT' are in 'TEAM'. I'm trying to find a reason to say the expression "there IS 'EAT' in 'TEAM' ", but I just can't figure when that would be useful to emphasize...maybe at a cannibalism meeting?

Do You Sudoku?

Sudoku. Such a simple word has become a cultural phenomenon. Literally translated from Japanese, "su" means "number" and "doku" means "single" (and in case you're one of the thousands of people who pretend like they know how to say the word, it's pronounced Sue-dock-ooo...and "ooo" is pronounced like a cow's moo, in case that wasn't clear). Hundreds of Sudoku books and magazines have been printed, newspapers have adopted Sudoku as their puzzle-of-choice, television shows have joked about its addictive nature...Sudoku has officially landed in America.

"But CJ, how do I play Sudoku? Do I need to understand complex math or advanced logic to play this interesting puzzle game?" Well, innocent blog reader (and Mr. Cooper, who has admitted his ignorance in the ways of Sudoku), the simple answer is no, considering you don't even need to understand the number system to understand how the game is played. Of course, the more complicated answer is, while you don't need to know math and logic to complete the puzzle, in order to do the harder puzzles, having a background in math and, more importantly, logical deduction will definitely help you. Here are the instructions...

[Place every digit from 1 - 9, in any order, into each row (left to right), each column (top to bottom) and each box (of nine squares).]

Seems pretty simple, right? You (and the millions of Americans that piss away there lunch break) wish! The puzzle above is actually an easy one (and if you can't figure it out in under 30 minutes, this game may not be for you). Go ahead, take a shot at it...Did you get it? For your own self-esteem, I hope so.

Unfortunately, there is a dark side to Sudoku. It is very, very, VERY addictive. Plus, it's really addictive. This actually brings me to the main point of this post. I think there may be ill intentions behind the widespread Sudoku obsession in America, ill intentions that date back to December 7th, 1941, "a date which will live in infamy"...the day the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. My fellow Americans, I'm afraid that Sudoku has been confirmed* as a second organized attempt by the Japanese to attack America when and where we least expect it. Their intentions remain a mystery (especially since there is no ongoing world war), however their kamikaze attacks on the free time of millions of Americans are as clear as day. For years, the "intellectuals" have been pointing to Word Jumbles, Twister, and Monopoly as the likely suspects for such an attack, but they couldn't have been more wrong. Stay sharp, America!

* Beyond the irrational thoughts of my brain, there has been no confirmation of Japanese conspiracy with respect to the flourishing of Sudoku in America. Now, Kakuro is an ENTIRELY different story...

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Clicks

So, I just sorted through all of the pictures I have saved on my computer, and found a few choice ones that I am rather proud of. My pride comes not from any photographic skill, but rather from my skill to manipulate the truth of the photo using my trusted friend Adobe Photoshop 7.0. It is with countless hours of blood, sweat, and pointing-and-clicking that I present to you my art...

This first photo was actually created for a movie trailer idea I had during one of many idle nights during junior year of college. The movie was called Dog Days of War and involved two soldiers (one male soldier played by Tom Hanks, and one female soldier played by my girlfriend's head on the body of Tom Hanks) who go away to war, not seeing how their son, a half-human/half English beagle, grows up. The dog is actually my dog, Max, who unfortunately passed away a few years back, but was the best dog ever (he actually starred in one of my short films that I created in my 'Advanced Video' class in high school...I'll figure out a way to put this, and many other hilarious films from college, up on the blog eventually). The body belongs to yours truly, and is actually one of my fraternity photos (notice the fraternity pin on my shirt). It's a simple creation, yet a powerful one that weaves the tale of a confused, lonely boy-dog in a world too big for his own good.

This second photo was the obvious extension of the first photo. Although it did not make it into the trailer for Dog Days of War, I felt it necessary to experience the youth of this dog-child. While the dog is still Max, the child is actually my girlfriend's nephew. Again, a simple creation, and yet a powerful one, showing us the courage young Max had even without the presence of his war-engrossed parents.



The third, and final, photo featuring Max (with no relation to the Dog Days of War photos) is actually more complex than it appears to be. The first thing you may notice is that Max has acquired a third back leg. My reasoning behind this addition? I just wondered what it would look like...now we don't have to wonder anymore. Isn't that nice? Now, what you may not notice is there are several aspects of this picture that are not real. First, many of the leaves around Max's feet were not there and had to be added in to create more color. Second, the tree in the upper left corner did not exist, and was added to fill the shot. Third, the most interesting part of this photo is that I never took a picture of Max on the front lawn of my old house (which this is a picture of), so THIS shot of Max actually comes from another photo of Max I took in the winter time on my front porch (one of my favorite photos of him), which you see here... Don't always believe what you see...especially if what you see is a dog with three back legs.

This next photo is a classic. The guy on the left is Mr. Cooper who, if you've read this blog before, you should know. The "guy" on the right is my friend and fraternity brother from college, Dan. This photo was taken at our fraternity formal junior year, and was originally a photo of Mr. Cooper and his date. Unfortunately, I've decided to alter reality and make Mr. Cooper's date none other than Dan. When I finally finished with this creation, I was absolutely shocked by how perfect the photo of Dan fit, and just how eerily real it all looked. Unfortunately, I had to add the large yellow dot over Mr. Cooper's head to protect his identity (I guess it's pretty clear I don't care about revealing Dan's identity), but you get the idea.



This final photo is absolutely my favorite. The above photo is actually not changed in any way, it's the real deal. It's a photo of some random bridge in Central Park in New York City; the people in the center of the photo are my family. I really loved the look of this picture and how everything is framed, but there was just too much that I didn't like (the dull color and lighting, the bird poop on the tree in the foreground, the gross concrete below the bridge, etc.). So, I got to work...
...And, here you have it! You'll notice my family is gone (nothing personal), simply because they took away from the pure nature of the photo. I made all of the colors and lighting much more brilliant, especially for the bright glow of the bridge and the rich brown color of the dirt. You'll see that the bird poop is gone, which is nice. My favorite changes involve the extension of the brown brick beneath the bridge and the creation of a flowing stream (complete with a reflection of the tree branches and bridge above!). A masterpiece of photo editing, proving two things: one, Adobe Photoshop is one of the greatest programs of the computer; two, I've clearly wasted a small portion of my life using it.

Four Topics, No Theme

I just can't figure out a way to link these topics together, mainly because they fall under the category of "random topics in my brain". So, lets just all pretend like there is some important reason for me to talk about the following random things....

• Considering how our society revolves around getting things WHEN we want them, HOW we want them, and as QUICKLY as we can get them, answer this question: why the hell does it take 17 minutes for me to check the 32 second voicemail that my girlfriend just left on my cell phone!? First, I call my the voice mailbox number; then, I enter my four-digit pin number; next, I am told the same information three times, phrased slightly different each time (namely, "You have new voicemail messages", "The following messages have not been heard", "First new message, sent today at 4:30 PM"...guess what, I KNOW I HAVE A NEW MESSAGE, that's why I'm calling my f*#@ing voicemail in the first place!); now, I finally get to hear my voicemail message; once the message is finished, it's time to hear the 13 different options I can do to either save, delete, replay, speed up, slow down, forward to the FBI, edit to sound like the caller is Barney The Dinosaur, etc. the message; and finally, I am prompted to "Press * " to hang up the phone...OR, I can just close my cell phone! Why am I pressing unnecessary buttons!? Listen up Cingular! I'm tired of this, so either make my voicemail as simple as checking my email, checking my home phone answering machine, and solving the Pythagorean Theorem, or else I'll be forced to...bitch about it in my blog.

• Do yourself a favor, and find out if you have the Nickelodeon GAS channel in your cable lineup. I'll give you six reasons why: Double Dare, Guts (Mike O' Mally: "Let's check the points on the leader board...MO!"...Moira Quirk: Thanks Mike!), GLOBAL Guts, Legends of the Hidden Temple (oh, how I missed Kirk Fogg, the Silver Snakes, and Olmec, all working together to find 'the long lost trident of King Neptune'), Nick Arcade, and Wild & Crazy Kids. Now if only they would bring back another favorite show of mine, What Would You Do? (what a catchy theme song: "WHAT...nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah...WOULD...nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah...YOU...nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah...DO-OOO?")

• I simply don't understand why, in television shows and movies, people getting off planes are always walking down the big metal staircase that comes directly off the side door of the plane and then walking across the tarmac area. Does this ever really happen? You know what I'm talking about here, you've seen the scene in the movie: the pretty girl walks down the metal staircase, sees the love of her life across the runway, and then runs across to meet him in a long embrace. Now, I know that I have seen the president come off of Air Force One in such a manner, but doesn't everyone else just exit into that very skinny, very unstable hallway floating 100 feet off the ground that leads to the airport terminal? Now that I think about it, maybe it happens with smaller planes, or airports that aren't equipped to have floating hallways attach to their buildings. If this is the case, let me know, and I'll add "Exit from a plane down a metal staircase" to my 'Things to Accomplish In Life' list. I'll place it right after "Tell New York City Taxi Cab Driver to 'Follow that car!'".

• During my last shift at Shmarnes and Wobles Bookstore, I was informed of something that I think will change the world forever. Apparently, a release date has been set for the DVD box set of...(drum roll, please)...Dinosaurs! That's right! The complete first and second season of the short-lived sitcom is being released on May 2nd, 2006! Don't remember the show, or never saw it? Well, basically, it was your average television sitcom: a working-class family deals with modern problems in a comedic manner. Oh yeah, and the family is a family of DINOSAURS! Classic! The baby dinosaur's catch phrase, "Not the momma!", was an instant hit (A little bit of Dinosaurs trivia: the daughter character Charlene Sinclair was voiced by Sally Struthers. How interesting...). Let's imagine, for a second, just how awkward the pitch was for getting this show on the air...

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[The Head of ABC:] So, what kinds of problems will the family of dinosaurs deal with?

[Dinosaurs Creator:] Well, take the daughter character. One episode, she finally gets her period, and while she's talking to her mother about it, her father walks in, overhears them, and says "I sure hope you're talking about the Mesozoic Period!"

[The Head of ABC:] I love it!
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Happy Birthday Mr. Cooper!

That's right! Today, April 14th, 2006, is the twenty-third birthday of the famous Swiss blogger Mr. A. G. Cooper! (Curious what the 'G.' stands for...I'll give you a hint: it's either Gary, Gabriel, Golden, Grendel, Gordon, Gonzo, Gavin, or Gipper. That's the best I can do without Mr. Cooper hurting me.)

In honor of our dear friend's birthday, we here at funny because it's true would like to present Mr. Cooper with a special birthday gift bag. All of the items Mr. Cooper will receive have been featured HERE in the past posts of this blog, making them all the more special! Included in Mr. Cooper's special gift bag are:

- Two (2) tickets to the premiere of Garfield's A Tale of Two Kitties in Sheboygan, Wisconsin.
- A pair of Heely Spree 7111 Pink wheel-shoes.
- A leather-bound edition of Goatfunky: A Compilation, to be released to the general public in Spring 2007.
- A 2006 Special Edition Duke Lacrosse Sweatshirt (insert insensitive sweatshirt slogan here).
- A two-night stay at the Lazy L Bed & Breakfast Resort in Lewes, Delaware.
- A SIGNED copy of Mario Batali's Mario Tailgates NASCAR Style, Al Franken's The Truth (with Jokes), Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code, Nora Roberts's Red Lily, and Bill Maher's New Rules.*
- A miniature ceramic bandwagon and accompanying miniature persons "jumping on".
- A 20-pack of Post-It Picture Paper, including a FREE trial size of Post-It Notebook Paper. What's that slogan again!? That's my story, and I'm sticking to it! (Buy it today!).

* I regret to inform Mr. Cooper that none of the aforementioned books are signed by their respective authors. I, CJ, personally signed the books by Mario Batali, Al Franken, Nora Roberts, and Bill Maher; Nora Roberts did, however, sign The Da Vinci Code.

[NOTE: Unfortunately, I have completely lied to you, the reader, as Mr. Cooper will not be receiving any of the items above, mainly due to the fact that I do not possess or have access to any of these real or imaginary items. However, rest assured that he will be receiving a package of other birthday presents that shall remain nameless until he has received them.]

Posting About Post-it

After marshmallow Peeps, the TV show Lost, blogs, and the telephone (I'm sorry, but how the hell is my voice traveling through some tiny wire thousands of miles away INSTANTANEOUSLY!? the simply answer: witchcraft), what is the greatest creation of our time? If you said Post-It Notes, you're absolutely right!

I can't live my life without a fresh supply of Post-It notes on my computer desk. And don't even try and tell me that the cheaper "sticky notes" are just as good, because THEY ARE NOT! They stick for about 30 seconds and then OFF they go, flying right out the window thanks to the gentle breeze blowing through my room (this actually never happened, but it could, and then I'd never remember to "Take out trash", "Return shirts to American Eagle", or "Buy Mr. Cooper a birthday present").

Well, guess what? Post-It has harnessed the power of God once again and unveiled their newest creation...Post-It Picture Paper!!! Amazing. I applaud you, Post-It executives. You truly know my needs. No more will I destroy my walls with tack holes or paint-peeling tape (of course, I'm assuming that the sticky substance on the back of the photo paper will not destroy my walls, mainly because the people of Post-It would NEVER betray my trust).

I implore you to support the good people of Post-It and buy their newest creation, because a world without Post-It Notes, Post-It Picture Paper, and Post-It Notebook Paper (this is actually my idea, and I already have the slogan: "Post-It Notebook Paper. That's My Story and I'm sticking to it!") is simply a world I don't want to live in.

Let the 2006 Summer Movie Season Begin!

The summer movie season is right around the corner, and I can't be more excited (the summer movie season is second only to the Oscar movie season, which runs from around mid-fall to the end of the year). With anywhere between three and six new movie releases EACH WEEK, how is the average moviegoer supposed to know which movies to see and which movies are just plain Dumb and Dumberer? Well, look no further! CJ is here to help you navigate the perilous waters of the 2006 Summer Movie Season.

Below, I've highlighted some of the summer movie releases of each month, classifying them in one of three categories: movies that will likely to be very good (+), movies that will be potentially good with a chance of disappointment (?), and movies that will likely be bad (-). Also, here is the link where you can find most of the trailers for the movies listed below: Apple Movie Trailers.

One more thing...if you've seen either Matrix: Reloaded or Matrix: Revolutions, you know how good movies can turn bad very quickly. Therefore, try not to mock me when the summer's brightest star ends up burning out faster than you can say "Brett Ratner sucks". Enjoy!

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~ May ~

Be very excited

(+) The Da Vinci Code --> Easily the most anticipated film of the summer and, considering the book has been on top of the bestseller list for more than TWO YEARS, I think it'll be quite popular. Plus Tom "God of Film" Hanks is in it...need I say more? (May19th)
(+) Poseidon --> The trailer for the film looks great, and I'm sure making it appear as though a ship is upside for an entire film is no easy task. Kurt Russell and Richard Dreyfuss are interesting choices (in a good way) for a remake that is sure to be a great special-effects movie. (May 12th)
(+) An Inconvenient Truth --> One of the most interesting trailers of the summer movie season. Watching this trailer gave me flashbacks to how powerful the trailer for Fahrenheit 9/11 was, and how much I anticipated the release of that movie. In an exciting comeback, Al Gore is the leading man of this documentary, which highlights the issue of global warming. A very important issue and, I'm expecting, a very amazing documentary. (May 24th)
(+) Mission: Impossible III -->Even though we all know Tom Cruise is currently insane, he makes a good action star. With J.J. Abrams, the genius creator of Lost, directing the film and an exciting bad guy role for Academy Award Winner Philip Seymour Hoffman, I'm willing to forget about the crap that was Mission: Impossible II. (May 5th)

(?) X-Men: The Last Stand --> I can't believe I have this movie in the "potential disappointment" category, considering the X-Men movies have been among my favorite of the recent surge of comic book movies (mainly because the movies have been treated so maturely by director Bryan Singer). But now with Director Brett Ratner, a crap-tacular filmmaker, at the helm, I just can't feel solid about the fate of the third movie. (May 26th)

(-) Over the Hedge --> Oh look, an animated film about animals that get caught up in mischief...uhhhhhhh. Sorry, but it gets old fast. And, coming from someone who had Finding Nemo and The Incredible in his top ten list a few years back, I appreciate a good animated film. This just doesn't seem like it will be one. (May 19th)

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~ June ~
My birthday AND the birth of a superhero

(+) Superman Returns --> I recently saw an interview with Brandon Rorth, who will play a young Superman in the movie, and his voice, mannerisms, and looks are EXACTLY what one would think a young Christopher Reeves would be like. With the great success of Batman Begins (arguably the best Batman movie of the series), this seems like a sure bet. And Kevin Spacey as Lex Luther? Sold. (June 30th)
(+) The Break-up --> A funny trailer proves that Vince Vaughn is here to stay as a really good comedic actor. And, of course, with all the tabloid to-do about Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston (or as I call them 'Vinennifer"), expect a Mr. and Mrs. Smith-type success. (June 2nd)

(?) Nacho Libre --> Jack Black is great; School of Rock proved that. But I'm not sure what to make of the trailer for this movie. I wasn't laughing as much as I thought I should have been. It will probably be a good cult comedy movie, much like Napoleon Dynamite was (especially since the director of both movies is Jared Hess). (June 16th)
(?) Strangers with Candy --> The television series was actually pretty funny, and Amy Sedaris is hilarious when she gets going (just watch her on David Letterman every other week). But, I'm not sure this will translate into a good movie, or that people will care enough to see it. (June 18th)

(-) The Fast and the Furious 3: Tokyo Drift --> Please stop. When Vin Diesel chose not to be in the second movie, it became clear that these movies were just pure garbage. Actually, I realized that half way through the first one, which I opted to download, risking federal punishment, rather than pay for. (June 16th)
(-) Garfield's A Tale of Two Kitties --> Once again, sorry for being so hard on the animated movies, but nobody wants this movie! Not even kids! I'm pretty sure the first one of these movies tanked in box office sales, but I really don't care enough to look it up. (June 16th)

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~ July ~
The fate of this month rests on a pirate, a mermaid, and Kevin James

(+) Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest --> I really enjoyed the first film, mainly because it just felt like pure entertainment fun (especially due to a really creative performance by Johnny Depp). I'm expecting just as much from the sequel, and the trailer looks pretty promising. (July 7th)
(+) Little Miss Sunshine --> Being considered one of the hottest properties at the Sundance Film Festival, this movie will definitely be refreshing in a sea of special-effects movies. Greg Kinnear and Tony Collette are good actors, but I'm most excited about Steve Carell, who is absolutely hilarious. See The Office, 40-Year Old Virgin, and old episodes of The Daily Show for proof. (July 28th)

(?) Lady in the Water --> The Sixth Sense was a grand slam. Unbreakable was a strikeout. Signs was an infield hit. The Village, a strikeout times ten. Whatever the score is, I just don't know what to make of M. Night Shyamalan, but Paul Giamatti is a good actor, so I'll be back to the stadium once again for this one. (July 21st)
(?) Miami Vice --> I love the way Michael Mann films his movies (see Collateral). But, I'm not sure anyone asked for this popular 80's television series to be made into a movie. (July 28th)
(?) You, Me and Dupre --> While it could end up being a great summer comedy, the trailer doesn't make me laugh a lot. Of course, they could be saving all the good jokes. And I've come to trust Owen Wilson and Matt Dillon, so I'm really hoping this is a good one. (July 14th)
(?) A Scanner Darkly --> Check out this trailer first, then decide for yourself. I really thought the visuals of Sin City made that movie extra-interesting, and the cartoon-eque style of this movie may achieve the same thing. Then again, the movie stars Keanu Reeves. (July 7th)

(-) Barnyard --> I couldn't really find any July movies that I thought would be really terrible, so I'll just pick on the animated films once again. In my defense, the "star" voices of the movie are Kevin James, Courteney Cox, and Wanda Sykes. (July 28th)

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~ August ~
Summer ends with snakes

(+) Flag of our Fathers --> YES, our summer Oscar movie! Let's size this one up: Directed by Clint Eastwood, who won two Oscars two years ago for Million Dollar Baby + Written by Paul Haggis, who won the Best Original Screenplay Oscar the past two years in a row (!) for Crash and Million Dollar Baby + the topic of WWII and the memorable raising of the American flag by six men at the Battle of Iwo Jima + the interesting gimmick of having a second movie follow, telling the perspective of the Japanese = OSCAR GOLD!!! (August 4th)
(+) Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby --> Watch this trailer and dare to not see this movie. Will Ferrell is hilarious (I'll watch Anchorman every time it's on TV), and with NASCAR as the topic of mockery, as well as an appearance by Sasha Baron Cohen (a.k.a. Ali G), Gary Cole (Bill Lumbergh in Office Space) and Elvis Costello, this is likely to end up a comedy favorite. (August 4th)

(?) Snakes on a Plane --> Ok, calm down, I know what you're thinking: why the hell did you put this movie in the "potential disappointment" category when it is clearly movie gold!? Well, I'm just afraid that all the crazy buzz is making us forget that the concept for this movie is very bad. I'm willing to forget all this, however, for an R-rated Samuel L. Jackson. (August 18th)
(?) Apocalypto --> I'm definitely interested in the concept of this movie, and the trailer looks pretty decent. But, I still haven't seen A Passion of the Christ, and I think it's because a) Mel Gibson's dad is clearly anti-Semitic, b) Mel Gibson seems to be getting stranger as he becomes more involved in making films rather than acting in them, and c) there are other movies I'd rather see first. I wonder if the same will apply to this movie. (August 4th)
(?) World Trade Center --> I guess we'll find out how the public will respond to movies about September 11th when United 93 comes out this month, but I'm actually more interesting in World Trade Center, mainly because it's directed by Oliver Stone. Of course, JFK showed us how Oliver Stone's work can be quite controversial, which could be good or bad for this film. (August 11th)

(-) Clerks II --> I did like the original Clerks movie, but it just seems stupid making a sequel to the cult favorite. Much like Mike Judd promised to never make a sequel to Office Space, I think Kevin Smith should have done the same. (August 18th)
(-) DOA: Dead or Alive --> Although I am a huge advocate for the video game industry, their translation to the big screen hardly ever works. The reason? They are produced, directed, and cast with people that are TERRIBLE! Start treating the material seriously and video game movies will start being good (don't agree?... Pirates of the Caribbean received FIVE Oscar nominations and it was based on...A THEME PARK RIDE!). (August 25th)

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