Thank You For Shopping at Shmarnes & Woble

While I wish I were spending more time substitute teaching (since it pays $10 an hour, and is basically glorified babysitting), unfortunately I tend to work at my other job 4 to 5 days a week. At this job, I work as a bookseller for a major bookstore, and to protect myself from any legal ramifications, I won't name the bookstore. I'll simply refer to it as Shmarnes and Woble Bookstore...just rolls of the tongue. Anyway, to appreciate the horrors of this job, it is necessary to describe the customers I serve on a daily basis. And so, without further ado, I present the first installment of The Shmarnes and Woble Bookstore Customer Appreciation Blog Post!

[DISCLAIMER: While they may seem to defy all models of rational human behavior, the follower descriptions are in no way exaggerations of the truth. Judge these people at will.]

• Type of Customer: "Bad Parent, Bad Student"
• Typical Age/Sex: Parent is 30 to 40 years old, always the mother; child is 10 to 15 years old, always the son.
• Description: The "Bad Parent, Bad Student" is a common one, especially around this time of year. It's what happens when you have a student who saves their book report, science project, biography assignment etc. to the very last minute. This one is particularly tricky, simply because you're not only dealing with an adult that insists on yelling at their child while you're trying to help them, but attempting to extract information about the project from the young person usually results in blank stares and statements like "i have to go pee pee".
  
• Solution: Stay away from this one if you can, as it's almost guaranteed you'll have to order a book to let little Bobby do his report on George Washington Carver's peanut butter. But, if you happen to get sucked into this interaction, just pawn the agitated mother off to the worker in the Kids section.
  
• Not to be confused with: The "Adult Student", namely the 42 year old man in the gray sweatpants and t-shirt that reads "Your Religion Sucks", browsing the store with his Aunt Patty, desperate to find an SAT book that he believes will turn his life around. I've got news for you: your shipped sailed about 25 years ago, my friend, so just stand up, wipe the sweat off your brow, and pick up a Shmarnes and Woble application at the customer service desk.
  

• Type of Customer: "Keep the Books Coming"
• Typical Age/Sex: Either sex, 20 years old and up.
• Description: The "Keep the Books Coming" customer represents approximately 90% of Shmarnes and Woble shoppers. To fall into this category, you have to do one simple thing: go to any section of the store, remove 10 to 15 books on one or various topics, bring them to the cafe or reading chairs section, insert a small stick of dynamite into the stack of books, detonate, walk out of the store. Unlike other customers that choose to read 1 or 2 books on their topic of interest, the "Keep the Books Coming" crowd finds that you can not fully appreciate the complexities of JAVA computer language without reading at least some part of each of the seventeen, 5-pound books they have gathered while drinking their iced coffeelatefrapamochadiarrheashakeupventi drink.
  
• Solution: Unfortunately, there is no real solution to this problem as it is Shmarnes and Woble's policy to allow customers to read any and all books at our store. The best way to cope while serving this special crowd is to constantly badger them with "Are you done reading about Dungeons and Dragons Level 4 Warlocks yet?" questions, and quietly cursing at them as you pass by.
  
• Not to be confused with: The "Life's Too Short to Close Books" customer. This customer's experience begins simply by seeing a book of interest over on the "Gardening Time" table. They open the book, turn the pages, reading ever so smoothly, when SUDDENLY... life has become too important! There is just no time to close the book as there are other pressing issues to attend to, such as rounding up the four children they let wander the store for the past 50 minutes, or answering the cell phone currently ringing to the tune of "If You Believe In Magic". Ultimately, the 2.15 seconds saved by just leaving the book spread open on the table will add up in the long run, giving these customers much more time to watch Dr. Phil, eat at Mc Donalds, and plan their next trip to Disney World.

• Type of Customer: "Cell Phone Arguer"
• Typical Age/Sex: Most likely a male in his late 30's-early 40's; could also be a woman anywhere from 20 to 50 years old.
• Description: The "Cell Phone Arguer" is pretty self explanatory: a customer has decided to carry on a very private, yet thunderous argument with a person on a cellular telephone while shopping for books. This customer is under the following assumptions: they are currently the only human in the store; shouting is the most effective way to get your point across to someone on a telephone; public locations are the ideal setting for important family arguments. This customer, usually wearing a Members Only jacket (if male) or an entire outfit made of jean material (if female), feels they are serving the greater good of humanity by letting all other customers and employees know how "their brother was always treated better by mommy".
  
• Solution: This customer tends to be elusive, not realizing that while they have shouted at their husband for 35 minutes because he spends to much time with "that whore Dana" they have paced through every section of the store 3 times. Best option: take cover until the storm blows over.
  
• Not to be confused with: "The Cell Phone Check Out", basically the same customer at a different point of their shopping experience (usually involves much less arguing and much more "how was I supposed to know he was the father" type discussions). Amazingly, this customer finds that no communication of any kind, verbal or non-verbal, is necessary to present, pay for, and leave with the books of their purchase. NOTE: Cashiers can attempt to brighten their working experience by taking advantage of "The Cell Phone Check Out" customer; for instance, instead of saying "And here is your bag and your change, thanks!", you can say "And I just wiped your books on my genitals and killed your daughter, thanks!".
  

So, there you have it. Be sure to tune in next time when I discuss the many more types of customers that constitute the horror that is working at Shmarnes and Woble Bookstore!

AND, coming soon: the 1st Annual Pick Your Favorite Shmarnes and Woble Customer Contest!!! FIRST PRIZE---> a $10.00 Gift Certificate to Shmarnes and Woble Bookstores!