What A Bunch of Turkeys

My fiance and I went to the gym today, as we usually do every Monday, and lo and behold the gym is about five times more crowded than usual. That's five times more people occupying our elliptical machines, five times more people using the weights, five times more grotesque men and women engaging in long conversations in the locker rooms while being COMPLETELY naked, stopping every now and then to bend over gratuitously.

Now, I'd usually be supportive of the prospect of more people engaging in daily exercise, however I think something else is afoot here. I believe my gym is experiencing a phenomenon known only as TIES (or Thanksgiving-Induced Exercise Syndrome). When TIES occurs, people that have previously been content to spend hundreds of dollars on gym memberships while never actually stepping foot inside the gym facility suddenly become consumed by the guilt of the pending Thanksgiving Day gorging they will likely engage in. Fortunately for these lost souls, there are three ways to cure TIES:

1. Simply eat horrible and sit around the house every day of the year, rather than only on Thanksgiving Day. While this may seem extremely unhealthy (and it is), at least your guilt, and thus your TIES, will subside.
2. Instead of exercising only during the week of Thanksgiving, try and exercise and eat healthy all the time. But be warned: this solution is extremely more difficult and time consuming than just accepting the glory of one's obesity.
3. This one is going to blow your mind. Exercise every once in a while and eat like normal humans are supposed to eat, namely in moderation.

In the meantime, welcome to our gym and I hope to see you around more often...unless, of course, you're that crazy lady that spends an hour at the gym never actually working out, instead trying to get everyone to pay attention to how much of a Red Sox fan you are. We get it, you're insane. Now get the hell away from my bicep machine.