Can You Hear Me Now? Good!

This week's edition of The CJ Times...

• I currently possess a brand new, black Motorola RAZR V3 cell phone! Today, I marched down to my local Cingular store, swung open the door, and DEMANDED the lowest price possible for purchasing my new RAZR. They had no choice but to acquiesce with my demands, charging me only $79.99 for my new phone. Some may claim that a current Mother's Day promotion has lowered the price to $79.99...I like to believe that my ending each sentence with the phrase "get it done" had something to do with it. Also, in case you're keeping tabs, I've counted FOUR sightings of a RAZR phone being used by characters in television shows or movies: President Logan on 24 (he has a silver one), Sandy Cohen on The O.C., someone on Scrubs (I can't remember who exactly), and most of the IMF agents in Mission Impossible 3 (actually, these are modified RAZR phones to look more advanced, but they're your basic RAZR style...this counts). It feels good to be trendy.
• This is actually from last week's news but, thanks to a reminder from tonight's Daily Show (or as my DVR titles it, 'The Daily Show with Jon'), I feel the need to post this. For those who have yet to see, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was served a healthy portion of "whoop-ass pie" during a speech in Atlanta last week (check out the video here). To summarize, after a few "wild protestors" expressed their hatred for Mr. Rumsfeld (and were promptly escorted out), a calm, calculated series of question came from a man in the front of the audience regarding Rumsfeld's pre-war claims about the existence of WMD's. Unfortunately (for Rumsfeld), these questions came from Ray McGovern, a 27-year veteran of the CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY. Oops, looks like someone did their homework (i.e. has a memory that extends beyond 1 week) and actually asked some pointed questions. Hey, members of the media, you get a chance almost every day to ask the important questions...DO YOUR JOB!
• It was a sad weekend for physical fitness, as I seem to have torn the muscle in my left tricep. A few days ago I noticed a lump had formed on my muscle, which I immediately assumed was cancerous (as I do with all foreign bumps that appear on my body). And, as usual, I took a few minutes to check out WebMD (which is 100% responsible for me getting in shape the past year...we'll talk about this later) and quickly found out that a torn muscle is usually identified by a small lump of muscle above the tear, bruising, and soreness (all of which I had). So, no weight machines at the gym this weekend, BUT I did manage to get in a 45-minute Veteran's Park bike ride or two in with my girlfriend and her family, followed by a few entertaining rounds of long jump at my old high school track and field facilities. Good times, but I want my tricep back, STAT!
• Finally, it appears that the prophecy has been fulfilled and on June 6th, 2006 (6/6/6) the world will come to a fiery end. What, you may wonder, fulfilled the Apocalyptic prophecy? Well, it occurred around 12:32am on Sunday May 7th, and it was witnessed by millions of people around the world: on Saturday Night Live, the great Tom Hanks was forced to perform a sketch with...with...KENAN THOMPSON!!! That's right, very early on during his life Nostradamus wrote the following passage in his private journal: "From wence it came, The fire and the flame, Will rain upon the land, Will spare not one, From the union of great Hanks and 'All That' of Thompson." I couldn't make this up if I tried...