Coming Soon !!!

Heading to the beach for Memorial Day weekend, but I wanted to let you know what to expect from the blog in the coming weeks...

• Movie reviews for The Da Vinci Code and X-Men: The Last Stand...both of which involve the amazing Sir Ian McKellen!
• It will finally be revealed what I expect Mr. Cooper to obtain for me in Italy.
• Yet another funny clip from Ebaum's World.
• Also, my thoughts on: being a substitute teacher, Jim Carrey's greatest work, the madness that is the Jurassic Park Trilogy, and the use of fax machines in contemporary society.

Stay Tuned...

What a Day! (Part 2)

Ok, the moment you've all been waiting for (and by "you all", I mean the 3 people left actually checking my blog on any regular basis since I last posted WEEKS ago...very sorry about that), it's time to finally find out just what happened on that crazy day, Friday May 12th, 2006...

Just to recap, here are the 3 possible scenarios of what happened the night of Andrea's college graduation:

1. We accidentally pushed the 'POLICE' emergency button on Andrea's phone, which resulted in an angry visit from the Hamilton Police.
   
2. We entered and successfully completed a 5K race, in which Andrea finished 1st Place for her age group.
3. We drove to Philadelphia to see Gavin DeGraw perform in a private concert that we were invited to, thanks to Andrea's cousin Frank.

Which actually happened? Well...If you said #1, that we accidentally pushed the 'POLICE' button on Andrea's phone, you'd be very wrong (in fact, what phone, besides those marketed to old people, still has the 'POLICE', 'FIRE', and 'POISON CONTROL' buttons on the base?!)...If you said #3, that we had a private Gavin DeGraw concert in Philadelphia, you'd also be very wrong (while we have gone to two Gavin DeGraw concerts in the past, I'm pretty sure Andrea does'nt have a cousin Frank)...For all you people out there that picked #2, YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY CORRECT!!! You win the fake prize! See Mr. Cooper...

I know it seems absolutely insane that Andrea and I would suddenly decide to enter a 5K race on her graduation day (and even more incredible that Andrea would finish first in her age group), but there are perfectly rational explanations for both of these occurrences. Well, maybe not rational, but explanations...

One of Andrea's sisters has a friend whose father passed away from cancer a little over ten years ago. He was an avid runner and, ever since his untimely passing, a 5K charity race has been held in his honor each year. Well, Andrea had mentioned during the morning of her graduation that the race was at 7:00PM that night and, considering I always do things that I am extremely unprepared for, I was pumped to enter the race. So we did!

We took a quick 1 hour power nap after our dinner at The Olive Garden, and it was off to the race to register. With our $20 registration fee, we received a free t-shirt and a one-way ticket to running HELL...

Let me just say right now, running 20 minutes a day at the gym on a treadmill is NOTHING like running for 3.1 miles in the middle of a neighborhood street...one ends with a sense of satisfaction with one's physical abilities, the other ends with a sense of heart and lung failure. BUT, even though it was very challenging, both Andrea and I were able to run the ENTIRE time, never stopping to rest, and finished around 32 minutes (which isn't that bad, considering we did about three 10 minutes miles pretty steadily). A little less exciting was that, while we didn't come in last place, we finished in 71st and 72nd place out of........80 runners. Kind of sucks, but we did it AND almost all of the runners there were super-serious runners, not somewhat physically capable 22 year-olds with a death wish (the #1 runner finished around 15 minutes, which is really good...but it's nice to know we finished with a time only doubled that of the first place finisher). Best part of the race: getting to grab the small cup of water while continuing to run, splashing it on my face, and then throwing the cup on the ground, just like the real runners do!

So, how did Andrea come in 1st place for her age group if she finished in 71st place overall? Well, when you're one of only two females entered in the 18-24 year old age group, it's more possible than it seems. Still, she beat the other girl and I'm damn proud of her!

There you go, that's the end of our crazy day, Friday May 12th, 2006. Unfortunately, the next day, Saturday May 13th, 2005, was a return to the usual routine of my daily life (i.e. watching movies, eating food, going to the gym, spending time with Andrea, etc.)...of course, I had to figure out how to do all this without using my legs, as my leg muscles decided to take the next few days off in protest over my abusing them...hell hath no fury like a calf muscle scorned!

What a Day! (Part 1)

Yesterday was an INSANE day of events, definitely worthy of a post...

I woke up around 7:15 am, which used to be extremely unusual for me (the usual was waking up around 12 noon and going to bed around 4am...not good) but ever since I started substitute teaching, my natural sleep pattern has become more...natural. Anyway, I woke up so early because today, May 12th 2006, was my girlfriend Andrea's GRADUATION DAY!!! The weather forecast had been calling for rain all week, and highs of only the
mid-60's, so I decided to wear black dress pants from the gap, a blue Structure dress shirt (yep, the shirt is from Structure, not Express for Men...it's an old one, but still looks good, and it actually is my good friend Paul's shirt...he doesn't read this, luckily), and a nice black tie; I even brought my heavy, black winter coat because I could just picture myself being cold from rain and wind during a two-hour outdoor ceremony. After dropping off balloons at my girlfriend's house, and picking up some orange roses (they look so very cool), it was off to graduation at The College of New Jersey (TCNJ for the locals)...

So, guess what the weather ended up being like yesterday...rainy, cold, and windy? NOPE! It was SUNNY with very few clouds, HOT somewhere in the 70's, and STAGNANT with no wind blowing! Andrea's graduation was a two-part ceremony: the first part was the college-wide graduation (around 1200 students) that took place on the football field outside on VERY shiny metal bleachers; the second part was for the English graduates (around 100 or so) inside an atrium room. In terms of the outside event, let me just say the following: black pants + metal bleachers + sun = a massive amount of sweating. I was literally soaked underneath my clothes, and I had to start ripping apart my outfit just to survive. The outside ceremony itself was OK; it was kind of crazy, but there was no main guest speaker, just three local politicians (State Congressman Bill Baroni, Head of the Democratic State Committee Bonnie Watson Coleman, and State Congressman Chris Smith, who is a terrible person and EXTREMELY anti-women) who got honorary degrees and said a little something each. Too bad, considering Yankee Coach Joe Torre was giving a speech just down the road at Rider University. The inside ceremony was nice, and there was a lot of good food: cookies, cake, vegetables, crackers, cheese...of course, I was so hot and hungry I would have eaten prunes. Seeing Andrea walk up and receive her diploma was the greatest, I couldn't have been more proud of her! She graduated Magna Cum Laude (only 100 in her entire graduating class), wore honor cords for the English Honor Society and Education Honor Society, and gained the respect of so many professors at TCNJ...

~ CONGRATULATIONS ANDREA ~

After the graduation ceremony, we had no choice but to go with fate and have lunch at Olive Garden. Kind of a back story here: for all graduation ceremonies involving myself or Andrea, we have always gone to Olive Garden...after our high school graduation both of our families went to Olive Garden to celebrate; after my college graduation, the same. It's not even like we are in love with the food there, it's just a part of tradition now that we can't avoid. So, after a nice lunch (I got the chicken parmigiana...a Mr. Cooper favorite), Andrea opened up a present from me; I got her a Targus Slim Line Woman's Laptop Case to carry her brand new, awesome Dell laptop. For our high school graduation, I randomly bought her a Sansui VCR for $19.99 (nope, not Samsung...Sansui, the fakest brand I've ever seen); we constantly laugh about it, especially since the VCR still works after 5 years of use. After lunch, we went back to Andrea's house and decided to take a nice nap for an hour or so (we were both so tired, and both got little sleep the night before). You would think the eventful day would end there, but it was FAR from over!

~ What do YOU think happened next? ~
I'll give you three possible scenarios:

1. We accidentally pushed the 'POLICE' emergency button on Andrea's phone, which resulted in an angry visit from the Hamilton Police.
   
2. We entered and successfully completed a 5K race, in which Andrea finished 1st Place for her age group.
   
3. We drove to Philadelphia to see Gavin DeGraw perform in a private concert that we were invited to, thanks to Andrea's cousin Frank.

Do you know what actually happened next?

If so, leave a comment with your answer.
The prize is an all expense paid vacation to ITALY, courtesy of Mr. Cooper!

UPDATE #2: A "Daily" Sighting...

I don't expect that these will stop anytime soon, considering how popular the Motorola RAZR cell phone is in our society. This time, we find our sleek little friend in the hands of Jon Stewart, the host of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. During a joke involving the recent shenanigans of the newly functioning Iraqi Parliament (namely, an uproar that occurred after a member's cell phone rang with a popular Shiite tune...I'm trying to think of a funny song title here, but I'm just too tired to be creative...leave a comment if you can think of a funny title for a ringtone on the cell phone of an Iraqi Shiite Parliament member...thanks), a cell phone ringing to the tune of 'It's Raining Men' conveniently interrupted Jon Stewart. Of course, he reached into his suit pocket revealing...A SILVER MOTOROLA RAZR! Stephen Colbert -- take notice! I want to see you clutching a beautiful, black RAZR by the end of next week!

Someone Had One Too Many Good Burgers...

I just couldn't resist posting this. In a continuation of my Keenan Thompson bashing, below is the cast member bio of Keenan from the Saturday Night Live website. I'm not sure which is more embarrassing...the paragraph describing an incredibly horrible string of acting jobs or the accompanying picture that captures his natural stupidity.

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Kenan Thompson as Repertory Player Kenan Thompson is in his third season on “Saturday Night Live.” Thompson has made numerous contributions to the show including impressions of Bill Cosby, Rev. Al Sharpton and Star Jones. A native of Atlanta, Georgia, Thompson made his television debut as a member of Nickelodeon’s all-kid sketch comedy series “All That.” He and his partner Kel Mitchell debuted in a spinoff show “Kenan and Kel” in 1996. Thompson also had a recurring role on the WB’s “Felicity.” Thompson’s feature film credits include “D2: The Mighty Ducks,” “Good Burger” “Rocky & Bullwinkle,” “Heavyweights” with Ben Stiller, “The Boss’ Daughter” with Ashton Kutcher and “Barbershop 2.” Most recently, Thompson played the title role in the live-action “Fat Albert.” Upcoming projects include “Snakes on a Plane” opposite Samuel L. Jackson. Thompson lives in Los Angeles and New York. His birthday is May 10.

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UPDATE: Another Motorola RAZR Sighting...

In tonight's episode of Alias (only two episodes left in the series...yee will be sorely missed), Agent Sydney Bristow (played by Jennifer Garner) was using a black Motorola RAZR cell phone to talk to her dad (played by Victor Garber). Interestingly, Sydney's nemesis Anna Espinosa (who's DNA was altered to make her look exactly like Sydney) was ALSO using a black Motorola RAZR. So, technically, this is TWO new sightings of my awesome phone. SCORE!

Choose To Accept This Mission

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Movie Title: Mission: Impossible III (or M:i:III)

Starring: Tom Cruise, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Ving Rhames, Keri Russell, Laurence Fishburne, Billy Crudup, Michelle Monaghan, Jonathan Rhys Meyers.

Time & Date of Showing: 1:00 matinee showing on Tuesday, May 9th.

Attended With: Papa CJ (he also loves movies as much as I do...unfortunately, he forgets to turn on his "crap filter" and insists on watching movies like the recent remake of The Fog...oh Papa CJ, you so crazy!).

Theater Situation: Theater 12 at AMC Hamilton 24 Theaters, which is the second biggest theater they have. No more than 10 people were in the theater and, considering it was a weekday matinee and opening weekend box office sales were less than spectacular ($48 million grossed), it was no surprise. Lots of leg room for all!

Movie Synopsis in One Sentence: A recently domesticated Ethan Hunt is drawn back into the field when an IMF agent he trained finds herself in danger.

The Good: I'm the first to admit that I almost always like the movies that Tom Cruise stars in (Jerry Maguire, Collateral, Magnolia, etc.). This is no exception, with Cruise proving once again that he's good at doing action movies. A good supporting cast helps too, especially the amazing Philip Seymour Hoffman, as well as a solid trio of male roles including Lawrence Fishburne, Billy Crudup, and Ving Rhames. As usual, you can tell you're watching a creation of J.J. Abrams (father of ABC's cult hit series Lost) when you see a story that entangles action, mystery, and personal lives, and does so in a way that makes them complementary to one another and to the overall flow of the movie.

The Bad: I claim that Michelle Monaghan, the actress playing Cruise's significant other in the movie, was clearly seperated at birth from Katie Holmes, Cruise's real life lady. I don't know if this casting was done intentionally or not, but at some points I felt like I had wondered into the most recent issue of National Enquirer (honestly, look at the picture below: Holmes or Monaghan?).Best Scene: This is a tough one. The entire sequence involving the Vatican City was just pure excitement and fun; it was like watching a perfectly choreographed dance, with a lot less twirling and a lot more wall scaling. But, I have to say that the five-minute exchange between Cruise and Hoffman aboard the IMF airplane reached new heights in action movie interrogation techniques (pun intended).

Worst Scene: Did we really need to hear Agent Dunn, eagerly awaiting Agent Hunt's return from a dangerous part of the mission, discuss how she used to pray for her cat's safety when he ran away? No, we didn't. Save this stuff for the DVD deleted scenes, or for the janitor to sweep up off of the cutting room floor.

The Verdict: An excellent movie with sequences that will blow you away, definitely as good as and potentially better than the original. Don't miss the first great movie of the summer.

If You Liked______, You'll Like This Movie: Mission: Impossible, Minority Report, Alias (TV).

FINAL GRADE: A

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Can You Hear Me Now? Good!

This week's edition of The CJ Times...

• I currently possess a brand new, black Motorola RAZR V3 cell phone! Today, I marched down to my local Cingular store, swung open the door, and DEMANDED the lowest price possible for purchasing my new RAZR. They had no choice but to acquiesce with my demands, charging me only $79.99 for my new phone. Some may claim that a current Mother's Day promotion has lowered the price to $79.99...I like to believe that my ending each sentence with the phrase "get it done" had something to do with it. Also, in case you're keeping tabs, I've counted FOUR sightings of a RAZR phone being used by characters in television shows or movies: President Logan on 24 (he has a silver one), Sandy Cohen on The O.C., someone on Scrubs (I can't remember who exactly), and most of the IMF agents in Mission Impossible 3 (actually, these are modified RAZR phones to look more advanced, but they're your basic RAZR style...this counts). It feels good to be trendy.
• This is actually from last week's news but, thanks to a reminder from tonight's Daily Show (or as my DVR titles it, 'The Daily Show with Jon'), I feel the need to post this. For those who have yet to see, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was served a healthy portion of "whoop-ass pie" during a speech in Atlanta last week (check out the video here). To summarize, after a few "wild protestors" expressed their hatred for Mr. Rumsfeld (and were promptly escorted out), a calm, calculated series of question came from a man in the front of the audience regarding Rumsfeld's pre-war claims about the existence of WMD's. Unfortunately (for Rumsfeld), these questions came from Ray McGovern, a 27-year veteran of the CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY. Oops, looks like someone did their homework (i.e. has a memory that extends beyond 1 week) and actually asked some pointed questions. Hey, members of the media, you get a chance almost every day to ask the important questions...DO YOUR JOB!
• It was a sad weekend for physical fitness, as I seem to have torn the muscle in my left tricep. A few days ago I noticed a lump had formed on my muscle, which I immediately assumed was cancerous (as I do with all foreign bumps that appear on my body). And, as usual, I took a few minutes to check out WebMD (which is 100% responsible for me getting in shape the past year...we'll talk about this later) and quickly found out that a torn muscle is usually identified by a small lump of muscle above the tear, bruising, and soreness (all of which I had). So, no weight machines at the gym this weekend, BUT I did manage to get in a 45-minute Veteran's Park bike ride or two in with my girlfriend and her family, followed by a few entertaining rounds of long jump at my old high school track and field facilities. Good times, but I want my tricep back, STAT!
• Finally, it appears that the prophecy has been fulfilled and on June 6th, 2006 (6/6/6) the world will come to a fiery end. What, you may wonder, fulfilled the Apocalyptic prophecy? Well, it occurred around 12:32am on Sunday May 7th, and it was witnessed by millions of people around the world: on Saturday Night Live, the great Tom Hanks was forced to perform a sketch with...with...KENAN THOMPSON!!! That's right, very early on during his life Nostradamus wrote the following passage in his private journal: "From wence it came, The fire and the flame, Will rain upon the land, Will spare not one, From the union of great Hanks and 'All That' of Thompson." I couldn't make this up if I tried...

What God Must Have Felt Like...

I HAVE A DVR BOX!!! Finally, I've managed to obtain the one modern invention that was clearly the result of a study conducted on my life, specifically my insane obsession with recording hours and hours of television every day, every year for the past 8 years (give or take a season). I am in COMPLETE control of all this is television! Now, the need to rush home during the 3-minute break between Deal or No Deal and The Apprentice because I am already recording 24 at 9:00pm is no longer a necessity when all will be recorded simultaneously; the urge to "release" the 32 liters of Aquafina water I have just consumed is no longer a burden when I can pause The Daily Show at any time; AND, no longer will I have to get angry at my television when this week's episode of Lost is just a recap episode of the season, because my DVR creates NEW episodes of all my favorite shows when they're off for the week...yeah, so, I completely made up that last function, but how COOL would that be!?

Speaking of Lost, the world needs to just declare that this is one of the best shows ever created and J.J. Abrams is indeed Jesus resurrected for a second time (first time, for all my Jewish friends out there...hollllaaaaaa!...or should I say challahhhhh!...if you don't get this, you don't know your Jewish breads, something I pride myself on knowing). As amazingly in-depth as the plot lines, characters, and visuals of each episode of Lost are, what always surprises me is how involved the people behind Lost are in creating the "extra myth", as I like to call it, outside of the episodes themselves. I'm not talking about the message boards or the official Lost website, which almost all shows have in some form or another. I'm talking about things like extremely detailed, and completely fake (i.e. made based on the events of the show) websites, such as The Oceanic Airlines website based on the airline company of the crashed plane, and The Hanso Foundation website based on the scientific-ish company behind (?) so much of the events on the island. There are enough juicy details in each of these websites to keep any obsessive fan occupied for DAYS!

Not satisfied? How about a fake commercial that ran during last week's episode which advertises the "experience" of The Hanso Foundation (it plays on the home page of the website I linked above); in the television airing, a phone number was included (namely, 1-877-HANSORG)...do yourself a favor and call it; it's equally the most entertaining and scariest phone recordings linked to a television show I have ever heard, after the "916-Call-Turk" phone number that was Turk's cell new cell phone last season on Scrubs, which was equally entertaining (actually, the 'k' isn't necessary when dialing the phone number, so save yourself a good 0.09 seconds and leave it off). Interestingly, this is the second time in the past couple of months that I've seen a show create fake commercials, the other being a great NBC show The Office (also a favorite for show "extras" -- each member of the cast has a blog which they update during the idle time of filming new episodes) which made multiple faux-"The More You Know..." commercials with various cast members. One of my favorites, stated by Mr. Dwight Schrute -- "Myth: wolves are dangerous to humans. Fact: you have a better chance of being hit by a meteorite than eaten by a wolf...except if you wake up naked in the woods." You couldn't PAY for that kind of "extra" goodness...unless you wait to buy the DVD box set which will almost certainly contain all the commercials.

Bloggin' with Mr. CJ

First, a quick apology for not posting the past couple of days. I've been sort of busy getting some things organized (i.e. life) and have also been suffering from what I call Sudden Sleep Syndrome (SSS). SSS is when you plan on staying up for a couple more hours at night to watch a movie, read a book, post on your blog, etc., and before you can get started you decide to lie down on your bed for a second or two, and WAM...you're asleep! You'll know you've had an SSS attack if you wake up at 5:23AM and your room light, television, and computer are still turned on, OR if you're laying on top of a cell phone, remote control, or Entertainment Weekly magazine. Unfortunately, I'm a chronic sufferer.

Anyway, time to catch up on the past couple day's events...

• I've been substitute teaching at my former middle school for the past couple of days. Every time I sub, they ask me to come back for a couple more days, so I haven't had to sub at any other schools, which is nice. I must say, it's extremely weird to be a substitute teacher at a former school you attended, especially seeing my old teachers, some of whom recognize me with screams of joy, while others only offer a passing smile. Also, these kids are a good TWELVE years younger than me! First official experience feeling "old"...these kids have no clue what it's like to not have the internet, cell phones, or i-pods! Back in my day...nevermind. Some people think I'm crazing for being a sub at the middle school level, considering how horrible kids at that age can be. However, I choose to look at the situation as a sliding scale, with Kindergarten being at one end and 12th grade being at the other: the closer you get to Kindergarten, the greater the chances of being vomited on by a student; conversely, the closer you get to 12th grade, the greater the chances of being stabbed by a student. Therefore, I have the least chance of being vomited on or stabbed by students in the 6th, 7th, and 8th grade region. Pretty sound logic, as long as I avoid little Tommy Bronzano, the 7th grader that vomits on substitute teachers while stabbing them.
  

• I've officially decided to get a black Motorola RAZR for my next cell phone. I'm in my upgrade period with Cingular, and the RAZR is just awesome. Also, I got a pink RAZR for my girlfriend for her birthday, and for almost all of the past seven years together we've had the same model phone, so I'm not about to tempt fate with the cell phone gods...that's right, it's Cellulore, the God of Cell Phones, that causes all those calls to be dropped. Praise be to Cellulore.
• Courtesy of Mr. Cooper, I've just watched the new movie trailer of Superman Returns. Wow...just wow. Watch this trailer, please. If you have any desire to see this movie, you will find yourself with "trailer chills", as I call them (basically, when a movie trailer is so exciting, you literally get chills down your spine). AND, Superman Returns opens in June, a few weeks after my birthday. Happy Birthday to me!
• Congratulations to me on getting approved for my new Barnes & Noble Mastercard! Very exciting. Now, I get an additional 5% off of my BN purchases, and my 15.2% APR is actually one of the lowest of the credit cards I have (Best Buy: 21%...how dare you!). I am a bit nervous, considering that the credit limit is the highest I've ever been approved for...lets just say, I've been fantasizing about purchasing some insane items: a 2001 Jeep Grand Cherokee, a $10,000 seat at the World Series of Poker, trillions of marshmallow Peeps, etc.
• In television news, two very exciting happenings this week (both of which Mr. Cooper has also discussed...check it out): Stephen Colbert's closing speech at the White House Correspondents Dinner, and the coming attractions to next week's episode of The Apprentice. First, Stephen Colbert, "the man with the brass balls", as everyone is calling him. Colbert stood in a room full of the biggest names in government, the media, and entertainment (talking about Clooney here...sorry Laurence Fishburne), with the President no more than 10 feet away, and delivered one of the most hilarious satirical speeches ever. Some controversy has arisen over the actual greatness of this speech, but I prefer to inquire about another issue: do we know that President Bush is even smart enough to understand satire? Second, next week's episode of The Apprentice, which I will call "the greatest episode ever". The task will involve the six remaining candidates organizing a tailgate event, sponsored by Outback Steakhouse, at...wait for it...wait for it...A RUTGERS FOOTBALL GAME!!! That's right, The Apprentice is teaming up with the Scarlet Knight, certainly thanks to last year's Apprentice winner Randal, a Rutgers graduate. I will give ANYTHING to see one of the following things: President McCormick shouting "Go RU!" to the candidates, Donald Trump performing the Rutgers TOUCHDOWN cheer, Carolyn ordering a "Fat Darrell" at the Grease Trucks, or anything involving the candidates riding an'A' or 'H' bus...which subsequently crashes into a dorm (for those of you who don't know, this actually happened...and it was hilarious...see below).