Top Five Birthday Gifts of 2007

5. Four Pairs of Gap Boxer Shorts......Although quite embarrassing opening in front of your fiance's entire family, there's nothing quite as refreshing (quite literally) as a few new pairs of boxers. [given by my fiance's mother]

4. $45 of AMC Theater Gift Cards......These will graciously be used up by mid-July. [given by my siblings]

3. Al Gore's The Assault on Reason......This would have been the first thing I purchased with the $20 Barnes and Noble gift card I received from my fiance's sister; now, I think I'll purchase approximately eight Starbucks Frappuccinos instead. [also given by my fiance's mother]

2. From the Earth to the Moon DVD Box Set......I've only desperately wanted this box set since I watched all twelve hours of the series over the course of two back-to-back nights about 9 years ago in the summer of '98. [given by Mr. Cooper in a wonderfully executed early birthday offering]

1. Sirius Satellite Radio w/ One Year Subscription......Considering how I'm practically in tears every time I drive in my fiance's Sirius-equipped '07 Jetta and get to listen to the incredible array of songs being played (none of which include the phrase "Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me"), not to mention the endless hours of Howard Stern, I think it's pretty safe to say that this gift is the ultimate birthday present of 2007! [given by my amazing fiance]

Happy Birthday To...

...Kanye West (turns 30), Keenan Ivory Wayans (turns 49), Jerry Stiller (turns 80), Barbara Bush (turns 82), Joan Rivers (turns 342), and last, but certainly not least, me (turning the big 2-4). I think it's safe to say my birthday is 'certainly not least' when the list includes the likes of Keenan Ivory Wayans...yeah, I went there.

If only my mom could have waited a few more hours until June 9th, my birthday would be shared with much cooler people...Johnny Depp, Natalie Portman, Michael J. Fox! Oh well, I'll have to settle for a rapper and some old folks. Bring on the birthday cake!

I Think I Love You

Who Knew Accidental Pregnancy Could Be So Funny? Judd Apatow, That's Who.

The Good: Knocked Up takes humor to areas other comedies dare not touch (crowning baby heads, anyone?); this should come as no surprise since there is such a huge overlap of the creative minds involved with The 40 Year Old Virgin. While Katherine Heigl does a great job and Seth Rogen manages to survive his first leading role relatively intact, it's the members of the vast supporting cast (individuals plucked from previous Judd Apatow ventures like the masterful Paul Rudd, as well as cast members of NBC's The Office and Saturday Night Live) that deserve an overwhelming portion of credit for the movie's greatness.

The Bad: I'm not going to say every joke hits the intended mark; sometimes movies like these, thinking all jokes get better if you keep pushing them for a long minute, will end up killing a joke with force (recent offender - Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby). That being said, only a small amount of jokes end up lukewarm, while the majority of jokes result in reactions ranging from a chuckle to hilarity-induced crying. Furthermore, the movie industry needs to agree to never, ever, ever, ever let Ryan Seacrest act in another movie again. Ever.

The Verdict: Successfully using humor to dive headfirst into a wide range of topics (including the potential conspiracies surrounding hotel furniture selection), it is undeniable that Knocked Up is the must-see comedy of the summer.

The Grade: A-

True Colors

[From The Dallas Morning News, regarding a recent meeting between President Bush and "friends of his from Texas"]

But by all reports, President Bush is more convinced than ever of his righteousness. Friends of his from Texas were shocked recently to find him nearly wild-eyed, thumping himself on the chest three times while he repeated “I am the president!” He also made it clear he was setting Iraq up so his successor could not get out of “our country’s destiny.”

[From The Nelson Report, regarding a similar private meeting with President Bush]

Some big money players up from Texas recently paid a visit to their friend in the White House. The story goes that they got out exactly one question, and the rest of the meeting consisted of The President in an extended whine, a rant, actually, about no one understands him, the critics are all messed up, if only people would see what he’s doing things would be OK…etc., etc. This is called a “bunker mentality” and it's not attractive when a friend does it. When the friend is the President of the United States, it can be downright dangerous.

What's In A Number?

Did you ever notice that pricing signs at gas stations only have the ability to list prices that are three digits or less?

It seems the gas companies have designed these signs under the assumption that, so long as gasoline remains the dominant fuel source for automobiles, prices are likely to remain three digits or less (of course, the 'or less' really refers to the "good old days" right around the time my generation was acquiring our right to drive and gas cost a measly 89 cents a gallon, and kids respected their elders...oh wait, no we didn't).

Then again, what if there was some sort of major international oil crisis (say 'World War III: Middle East Mayhem')? Wouldn't gasoline prices almost certainly exceed three-digit numbers? Considering that the average gas prices in the U.S. are currently hovering around $3.21 (and are expected to rise to around $4.00 this summer), I don't think it's crazy to think of a future that potentially includes gas prices breaking through the $9.99 ceiling set by the presumptuous gas station sign manufactures.

With the help of my trusty Adobe Photoshop, I present to you a portrait of the not too distant future...

Spring Cleaning '07

'28 Weeks Later', Yet Things Still Seem The Same

The Good: Great cinematography, especially camera work, provide some really unique points-of-view in a genre that tends to be rather stale visually. A good performance by Robert Carlyle, who's been given an exciting role to work within. Not to mention the most creative use of helicopter blades ever.

The Bad: The plot feels self-contained to a fault and, even though I'm excited by the prospect of a third film (something strongly hinted at in the final moments of this movie), I expected greater consequence within the story of Weeks.

The Verdict: 28 Weeks Later is artistic and somewhat thought provoking, yet it doesn't quite evolve (no pun intended) as effectively as movie franchises are expected to do so in their second outings.

The Grade: C+

How Was The 'Lost' Season Finale?

How was the 'Lost' season finale, you ask? Well, let me tell you......

The 'Lost' season finale was so good that I've decided to drop out of graduate school so that I can devote my time to founding a religion based on the mythology of 'Lost'. The DVD box sets of each season will serve as our Bible (with three more 'Books' still left to be written); all followers will pray to our saviour, John Locke, on the 4th, 8th, 15th, 16th, 23rd, and 42nd day of every month (don't ask about the 42nd day thing...we have a different calendar); and finally, all followers must cross paths with at least one other follower on a monthly basis (extra island protection from the mysterious smoke monster if you end up being a relative of another follower, if you have a car accident with another follower, or if you heal/be healed by another follower).

And there you have it. 'Lost', one of the greatest television shows ever created, is now my religion. Namaste.

'Bloomberg To Replace NYC Taxis With Hybrids By 2012'

If Al Gore doesn't get in the presidential race, I might have to vote for potential Independent candidate Mike Bloomberg.

Buy Me Today!

"The Assault on Reason turns out to be less a partisan, election-cycle harangue than a fiercely argued brief about the current Bush White House that is grounded in copiously footnoted citations from newspaper articles, Congressional testimony and commission reports — a brief that is as powerful in making its points about the implications of this administration’s policies as the author’s 2006 book, “An Inconvenient Truth,” was in making its points about the fallout of global warming...and it does so not with the calculated, sound-bite-conscious tone of many political-platform-type books, but with the sort of wonky ardor that made both the book and movie versions of “An Inconvenient Truth” so bluntly effective...This book shows a fiery, throw-caution-to-the winds Al Gore, who, whether or not he runs for the White House again, has decided to lay it all on the line with a blistering assessment of the Bush administration and the state of public discourse in America at this 'fateful juncture' in history."

[From the New York Times 'Books of the Times' Section, May 22nd 2007]

A Note To Young, Male Entertainers

Enough with the 'man bangs' already...there is nothing cool about what can only be described as the youthful equivalent of 'the comb over'. Let's put an end to this now, before it's too late.

The Message Is Real Enough

I'm fascinated by this well-edited piece of footage from one of the 2004 presidential debates. There's something inaccessibly profound within this video, and every time I watch it I can't help but have this semi-emotional reaction (especially when the music swells), a reaction that is likely linked to the political realities of our American society over the past six years...it's something along the lines of sadness mixed with laughter mixed with anger mixed with hope. Very strange to have this sort of reaction to some random YouTube video. Kudos.

No Tingling For My Spidey Sense

The Good: Thomas Haden Church did well with what he was given, as well as the obligatory Bruce Campbell cameo that was the funniest it's been in all three movies. The last twenty minutes of the movie are somewhat redeeming.

The Bad: The rest of the movie. That may be a tad harsh, but there's no denying that the story comes across as overcooked and overcrowded, and the visual effects didn't feel like anything we haven't seen already. Not to mention the various downright bizarre set of scenes that made me feel like I was watching a completely different movie (jazz club, anyone?).

The Verdict: Easily inferior to it's predecessors, Spider-man 3 is a box office record-setting behemoth that disappoints on so many levels.

The Grade: C

What A Media Tease!

This is a screen grab from the CNN International broadcast around midnight last night.
Obviously, the mistaken graphic was meant to highlight Tony Blair's resignation.

It appeared for twelve of the American nations most hopeful seconds in recent years...then again, I'm not sure I should be describing the hypothetical swearing in of President Dick Cheney as "hopeful". More like devastating, nightmarish, catastrophic...kind of like our current President.

See You At The Movies

It's simply incredible how packed this Summer Blockbuster Season is with movie releases. I'm starting to think it might be best to just set up camp in the parking lot of my movie theater, emerging from my tent every Friday to see the week's new releases.

Thanks to the Entertainment Weekly 'Summer Movie Preview' issue, I've managed to wrap my head around the behemoth that is the summer movie season. My breakdown of each month's 'Must-See' movies, 'Cautiously Optimistic' movies, and 'Just Say No' movies is actually more for my own benefit than for your blog reading enjoyment, but I'm glad I get to include everyone in my borderline obsessive interest in movies. Here we go...

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~ May ~
Bring on the Three-quels

Must-See:

• Spider-Man 3......Sure, the critics reviews have been mixed, but I think I'll go see a movie that world moviegoers just spent 375 million dollars on in THREE DAYS! [May 4]
• 28 Weeks Later......I just don't know why but I have this affinity for movies involving zombies (not to be confused with 'zombie movies', which are more campy than realistic). I guess it has something to do with wondering how I'd survive if this were to actually happen...oh, who am I kidding, I'd be infected within the first five minutes. [May 11]
  

Cautiously Optimistic:

• Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End......There's no denying, Pirates 2 was not very good story-wise. Then again, most middle movies of a trilogy suffer with a story that, by it's very nature, is in limbo. That being said, I expect a great concluding chapter from what used to be the highest grossing weekend opener ever (Spider-Man 3 has challenged you Pirates 3...the ball's in your ship). [May 25]
• Shrek 3......The problem I had with Shrek 2 was that the movie felt like it had become aware of itself, making what amounted to elaborate, but not overly funny, inside-jokes. I'm assuming now that The Office's John Krasinski is part of the cast, everything will be a-OK. [May 18]

Just Say No:

• Georgia Rule......If I want to see Lindsey Lohan being "a raucous girl [that] proves too much trouble for her mother", I'll just watch VH1's Best Week Ever, thank you very much. [May 11]
  
• Lucky You......I've been mocking this movie ever since it's intended release years ago. It's too bad the producers of this film didn't know when to fold'em. [May 4]

~ June ~
Comedy, Action, and Drama, Oh My

Must-See:

• Knocked Up......Thanks to an early screening by Mr. Cooper, we already know this will be the comedy hit of the summer. And why wouldn't it be? It involves Seth Rogen and a sex-related storyline. Sold! [June 1]
  
• Live Free or Die Hard......After twelve long years, John McClane is back! I'm not sure anyone was really asking for this, but we're damn happy to receive it. Is there any chance that Jeremy Iron's character will make a cameo? [June 27]
  
• A Mighty Heart......I think we're looking at our summer Oscar buzz movie, or at least a potential Oscar-worthy performance by Angelina Jolie playing the widow of Daniel Pearl. [June 22]
  

Cautiously Optimistic:

• Ocean's Thirteen......Yes, they forgot to actually create a coherent storyline for Ocean's Twelve, but I'm willing to forgive. Then again, the "thirteen" addition appears to be actress Ellen Barkin, who I really don't care for very much. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I stop trusting Steven Soderbergh. [June 8]
• Evan Almighty......Sequels without the original leading actors don't usually go so well (Dumb and Dumberer anyone?). However, I'm not sure that applies to sequels that have Steve Carell stepping in. God willing (pun intended), this will be the exception to the rule. [June 22]
  
• Sicko......What's with all the secrecy surrounding Michael Moore's newest documentary about the health-care industry? I'm not sure if that's a good sign or a bad sign, but one thing is for sure...everyone's clamoring for more Moore! [June ?]
  

Just Say No:

• Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer......HBO's Saturday movie premiere night tricked me into seeing the first Fantastic Four. I could have saved a couple of hours and just punched myself in the brain a few times. [June 15]
• Surf's Up......Oh look, an animated movie about penguins, and they're surfing this time, wow, how creative...STOP WITH THE PENGUINS! [June 8]
  
• Mr. Brooks......I'm definitely intrigued by a thriller starring Kevin Costner as the killer, especially when the supporting cast includes William Hurt, Demi Moore, and...comedian Dane Cook !? Umm, no thanks. [June 1]
  

~ July ~

Goodbye Summer Sun, Hello Darkness of Theater

Must-See:

• The Simpsons Movie......Talk about anticipation. There is so much expectation wrapped around this movie, it may end up being the greatest movie or biggest disappointment of the summer. Either way, you can guarantee I'll be there on opening night. [June 27]
• Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix......Quite honestly, I thought the last Harry Potter was just not as good as it should have been (Alfonso Cuaron's Prisoner of Azkaban is the level of excellence by which all future Harry Potter movies should strive to achieve). That being said, Phoenix director David Yates looks like an "off the beaten path" type of director, so hopefully things will be back on track this installment. [July 13]
  
• Transformers......And, my childhood dreams are fulfilled. With the coveted Independence Day weekend release, I'm predicting a massive opening for a movie that will draw father and son alike. [July 4]

Cautiously Optimistic:

• License to Wed......This looks like it will be a good date movie for me and my fiance, but a Hollywood insider (Mr. Cooper, of course) has been saying the early buzz surrounding this movie is less than good. Then again, the mushy nature of romantic comedies usually results in apathy by reviewers. [July 4]
  
• Hairspray......I haven't seen the Broadway version, but I just can't ignore a movie where John Travolta plays an obese singing woman. [July 20]
  
• Rescue Dawn......A Vietnam POW movie starring Christian Bale...interesting. But Steve Zahn? I'm just not sure. [July 4]

Just Say No:

• I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry......It's possible that I'm wrong about this one, but I'm guessing this movie is more 'cheap homophobic bits' funny than "creative social satire' funny. Not to mention, Kevin James is simply awful and Adam Sandler has become a comedic flop-making machine. [July 20]
  
• No Reservations......Catherine Zeta-Jones and Aaron Eckhart in a "romantic drama" about high-end chefs. Wow, I think I just heard the entire movie industry let out a collective yawn. [July 27]
  
• 1408......Simply put, this movie is about an evil hotel room. So very, very creative. The only thing more cliched than evil hotel rooms are horror movies that are released on Friday the 13th...oh boy. [July 13]
  

~ August ~
All Good Summers Must Come To An End

Must-See:

• The Bourne Ultimatum......With the success of the first and second installments, moviegoers have spoken about their genuine excitement for the Bourne series. Ultimatum will likely prove to be a worthy ending for both the trilogy and the summer movie season as a whole. [August 3]
  
• The Invasion......There is a chance that this movie will not be as good as I think/hope it will be. Still, I just can't see a Body Snatchers remake that attracted Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig being anything less than alien movie fun. [August 17]
  

Cautiously Optimistic:

• Rush Hour 3......Is it possible that this comic duo has simply passed its prime? Yes. Do I want to see Jackie Chan use a fly swatter to take down an army of bad guys and then escape by jumping through a doggy door? Yes and yes. [August 10]
  
• The Brothers Solomon......This is a tough one. On the one hand you have the Arrested Development's Will Arnett and SNL's Will Forte, both of whom are pretty darn funny. On the other hand, Will Forte was also in the movie Beerfest. I think I'll check out the critics on this one. [August 31]
  

Just Say No:

• Halloween......Nobody asked for this, nobody wants this, and you're not fooling anyone by not attaching a number to the end of this movie. [August 31]
• El Cantante......Note to Jennifer Lopez: stop making movies with your 'flavors of the week'! Actually, just stop making movies. [August 1]

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Coming Soon...

With the release of Spider-Man 3, you know what that means.....

it's the SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER SEASON!!!

Stay tuned for my take on the potential movie hits and misses for what many are calling "The Summer of Sequels".

And The Winner Is...Reagan?

Ah, nothing gets you going like a 90-minute debate between ten rambunctious politicians. As I watched the candidates take the stage, I couldn't help but realize just how diverse the Republican candidates really are: some of them were pale, some of them were tan; some were old, some were older; some of them had their comb-overs parted to the left, some had them parted to the right; some thought the day Roe v. Wade gets overturned would be a great day, some thought it would be the greatest day.

All kidding aside, I think this was a really interesting debate and shed a ton of light on the status of all three front-runner candidates, as well as the entire lot of "other candidates". Let the analysis begin!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Winner: Mitt Romney.....A few reasons why Romney comes out on top. First, he wins the award for "Most Polished, Presidential Looking" of all ten candidates. Second, and more importantly, he was most successful at clearly and concisely conveying his positions on the issues. Now, Romney may not be the answer the conservative base is looking for, but he did something very important in this first debate: he proved, just like he did with his fund raising, that he's a force to be reckoned with.

1st Runner Up: Rudolph Giuliani.....Giuliani came across as, well, himself. Which is a good thing, because when Republicans look at Giuliani they already see a leader. There's no doubt that Giuliani had some trouble treading water with social issues, and this will haunt him the entire primary race. Still, Giuliani has a lot of strong talking points on issues like security and leadership, and when Giuliani speaks, people listen.

The Loser: John McCain.....Wow, just wow. This, in my opinion, is the story of the night. Senator John McCain was simply awful. I don't even know where to begin, he came across poorly on so many levels: visually speaking, he came across as angry, threatening, and extremely nervous; he rambled and stumbled time and time again while speaking, showing a lack of coherence in his thoughts; his positions were unidentifiable (I don't know if he hates Bush policy or loves it...I don't know if he knows anymore!); and his over-the-top language was just stunning (he said we will "follow Bin Laden to the gates of Hell"...and then let out a massive grin...what!?). This has 'self-destruct' written all over it and, even though it may not happen as a result of this singular debate, it's only a matter of time until John McCain parks the 'Straight Talk Express' back in the station.

And, The Rest of Them...I expected Mike Huckabee to come out of this debate like Joe Biden in the Democratic debate, namely as the clear #4 guy. Unfortunately for him, and the rest of them, I think there were just too many candidates for any of those beyond the top three to really shine. Representatives Hunter, Paul, and Tancredo, as well as Senator Brownback, really just proved that they were good enough for the legislative branch of government, and Former Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore seemed like an intelligent, genuine guy with nothing really unique to offer. That leaves Former Wisconsin Governor Tommy Thompson, who I believe should take home the award for "Most Unbelievable Statement of the Night", and I quote:

[Moderator]: Governor Thompson...if a private employer finds homosexuality immoral, should he be allowed to fire a gay worker?

[Thompson]: (pause) I think that is left up to the individual business. I really sincerely believe that that is an issue that business people have got to make their own determination as to whether or not they should be.

[Moderator]: So the answer is 'yes'?

[Thompson]: Yes.

And there you have it, folks! Tommy Thompson, the former Governor of Wisconsin, advocating for the abolition of equal employment opportunities in America! Quite honestly, I don't know why he's not running his entire campaign on this one issue alone! Oh.....because it's a position of ignorance and bigotry.....right.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I leave you will one final thought as the evening's proceedings come to a close.....if Representative Sam Brownback is ever the subject of a Hollywood film, he will be played by Saturday Night Live alumnus Joe Piscopo. Discuss.

Grand Old Debate

Are you considering voting for a cross dressing, cousin marrying, twice divorced, temperamental former NYC mayor? Or, how about the commander of the 'Straight Talk Express', which seems to have jumped the tracks and crashed into Bullshit Mountain a few months ago? How about someone with less baggage...like a Mormon? Well, have I got good news for you!

It's the Republicans' turn! Watch MSNBC Thursday night at 8pm to see McCain v. Giuliani v. Romney v. Huckabee v. Six Other Republicans You've Never Heard Of.

It should be an interesting night, and I eagerly await the tight rope walk that will be each candidate confronting the situation in Iraq, a situation born out of the unchecked power of a particular reckless Republican leader (I'll give you a hint...his name starts with 'G' and ends with 'Dubya').

RU In Esquire

I can't believe Mr. Cooper missed this one...Rutgers made it's way into Esquire magazine's list of '60 Things Worth Shortening Your Life For'.

Coming in at #25..."The Fat Darrell at the R.U. Grill & Pizza in New Brunswick, New Jersey. Considering his namesake sandwich is made up of chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks, and french fries, its' a wonder that Darell is still with us (and trim)."

I'm proud to say that I can check this one off my list...although, I hope spending the past two years eating healthy and getting in shape has resulted in retrieving that span of life Mr. Darrell so effortlessly took away from me that hungry Saturday evening.

The Democrats Have Spoken

And there you have it, the first presidential debate of the 2008 election.

I have to say, I really enjoyed the debate. Sure, there weren't a ton of fireworks (maybe a few roman candles fired off here and there, especially when the lower profile candidates started duking it out with the higher profile candidates towards the end over the issue of military force), and some parts of the debate proceedings were a tad tacky. For example...hand vote questions? Really? Couldn't you just go with 'yes' or 'no' answers from the candidates? I'm just scared we're on a slippery slope here, and by next year we're going to have the candidates answering word association questions ("Ok, this one's for you Senator Clinton.....'Monica'.) All kidding aside, it was really great to see all the candidates in one place and to really find out which of them, in this early stage, truly has the potential to last all the way to November 2008.

Here are my picks for the winners and losers of tonight's debate...

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Biggest Winner: Hillary Clinton...For someone who had nowhere to go but down, and was likely going to be the political target of the night, Hillary handled herself incredibly well. She had great poise, she communicated her views rather effectively, and she really proved why she is leading the Democratic contenders right now. Mr. Cooper made a great point in our post-debate discussion, namely that for the first time he actually feels like he could potentially vote for Hillary, and I completely agree.

First Runner-Up: Joe Biden...Biden really came across as a well-spoken, likable guy with some serious policy plans (including an Iraq political strategy unlike any other candidate). I really think events like these will help give the Biden campaign a much needed boost along the primary campaign trail.

Second Runner-Up: (TIE) John Edwards & Barack Obama...To describe both John Edwards and Barack Obama I'd say this: neither of them were overly-impressive, they each had a few minor problems, and, when all is said and done, they both ended up looking like adequate candidates. For Edwards I don't think this is a big deal because he has been relatively successful in his third place status, but for Obama, who has been hyped to the extreme from day one, this may end up being the theme of his campaign, namely that he doesn't live up to the hype.

The Small Surprise: Dennis Kucinich...This is probably because Mike Gravel ended up filling the role of 'looney toon' (more on this below), but Dennis Kucinich really held his own on a stage full of "legitimate candidates". Kucinich really presented himself as a serious candidate with serious positions, even if those positions tended to be radical ones. Would I ever vote for him? No, but at least now I'm listening.

Nothing Lost, Nothing Gained: Chris Dodd...In this debate, Dodd was really just a non-entity. Simple as that. He seems like a nice enough guy, though.

The Joke: Mike Gravel...Ohhhhhh boy. Get the straight-jacket ready, this guy is NUTS! He was successful in this debate if the American people want a self-absorbed crybaby for their president. Not to mention, I've now seen this guy deliver three interviews on MSNBC and on EVERY one of them he's cursed while answering questions. Very classy.

Biggest Loser: Bill Richardson...This, for me, is the biggest shock of the night. So many political pundits had Richardson listed as there "most likely of the lower tier candidates to break out as a result of this debate" pick. QUITE the opposite. He failed on every possible level, including having the appearance of being both angry and constipated (although, if he was truly constipated, I guess it would follow that he would be angry about that), observing horrible debate conduct especially with regard to time limits, and delivering answers that were just plain terrible! What a huge disappointment! I really wanted to see Richardson go further, but I'm afraid his campaign goose is cooked.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What it all boils down to is which of these candidates "looked presidential". The answer, in my opinion, is: definitely Hillary, surely Biden and Edwards, and barely Obama. As for the rest of the pack: no way. So, my prediction is that we see Hillary, Obama, Edwards, and Biden still in the race come the day of the first primary election (assuming that none of them do anything in the meantime to self-destruct their campaign...and assuming Al Gore doesn't get in.) From then on, it all depends on how those early primary results turn out.

I conclude here with something I was really happy to see with tonight's debate: a sense of cordiality and respectable informality among the Democratic candidates. It's likely that as the primary dates get closer the candidates will get more ruthless, but it was very politically savvy of the mainstream and secondary Democratic candidates to come to this sort of unofficial campaign peace treaty so that they may demonstrate to the American people that civil discourse is not only preferable, it's actually embraced by the Democratic Party. I also bring this up to highlight my prediction that the Republican debate next Thursday is likely to be much less pleasant, mainly because these Republicans will have to answer questions in front of the general television viewing population of the country and not just some tiny republican base-filled event hall, and answers like "the surge plan is making progress in Iraq" and "we're fighting them over there so we don't have to fight them over here" just aren't going to cut it.

Oh Happy Day!

Finally, the day has come! The first debates of the 2008 presidential campaign season are here! Even with soooo many months left until primary season, we political junkies (and the other 70% of Americans thoroughly disgusted with the current occupants of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue) are blessed with the opportunity to scrutinize those individuals that may or may not become the new head honcho come January 2009.

Tomorrow night at 7 pm (exclusively on MSNBC), the Democrats will duke it out in a no-holds-barred political debate moderated by none other than the affable Brian Williams...and by "no-holds-barred" I'm referring to such possibilities as Joe Biden proudly announcing his newest slogan "Joe Biden: The Other White Meat", or Dennis Kucinich unveiling his newest Iraq plan of pulling all the troops out by "the conclusion of this debate". Next Thursday at 8 pm (also only on MSNBC), the Republicans will have their turn with Chris Matthews at the moderator's table. The areas where all Republican candidates will likely agree: while continuing the search for Bin Laden it's very important to "never forget the lessons of Pearl Harbor", George Bush is the closest any person has ever come to being as great as Jesus Christ, and supporting abortion rights and gay rights was "soooo my previous term".

For the Democrats tomorrow night, I expect each of the candidates to do the following: Hilary will try to come across as strong AND warm (expect one heckuva pants suit coupled with a glowing smile); Obama will need to prove that there's substance behind those grand speeches, while making sure to keep the charm flowing (I predict the phrase 'the American people' will be uttered over 100 times by Obama alone); Edwards has to remind people why he deserves to maintain front runner status (his $750 pedicure and manicure should help); Biden needs to shout as loud as possible to make sure he's not forgotten (HOWEVER, he needs to tread carefully in the political waters around him...PLEASE do not try and make a joke along the lines of "What do you get when you mix a few white men, one woman, a black man, and a Hispanic man? This debate!...And also, the American people." Please, Joe, please don't.); Chris Dodd and Bill Richardson have to prove, once and for all, who is the better Spanish speaker (And NO, Biden, you're not allowed to attempt Spanish words and phrases because you'll end up saying something like "Los niños de Americanos son muy feos"...look it up); Dennis Kucinich has to try and keep the audience from laughing at him, and Mike Gravel (yeah, I don't know who the hell he is either) has to keep the police from trying to escort him off the stage as a "debate crasher".

Well, this is it America, there's no turning back now. The only question I have left as we prepare for what can only be described as 'political history in the making'...how long will it take one of the candidates to accidentally refer to Barack Obama as 'Senator Osama' and/or discuss how we need to continue the hunt for 'Obama Bin Laden'......Damn it, Biden!

You Have Entered...The Twilight Zone

==>April 17th: Word got out that Democratic Presidential Candidate John Edwards allowed his campaign committee to pick up the tab for two of his recent haircuts...which cost $400 each. This story made me realize that every news week must have at least one hair-related news story...Britney shaves her head...the horror-tastic Sanjaya hairdos...even Don Imus's hair-raising comments (you see what I did there?). Who will be the subject of this week's hair-related news story? Only time will tell.

==>April 19th: When asked during an interview whose idea it was to start a pre-emptive war in Iraq, Karl Rove responded "I think it was Osama Bin Laden's." To be fair, Bin Laden was one of the worst dictators Iraq had ever seen...wait, didn't Bin Laden used to go by a different name when he was an Iraqi dictator? 'Saddam' something or other? Eh, I must be mistaken.

==>April 21st: Students of Turner County High School in Ashburn, Georgia held an integrated prom, with black and white students attending the same prom, for the first time ever. The explanation of "It's always been a tradition since my daddy was in school..." was given by one of the students. Well then, dear, your daddy and your community are what the rest of us call 'racists'.

==>April 23rd: After a meeting with Gen. David Petraeus, President Bush stated "There's been some progress [in Iraq]. There's been some horrific bombings, of course. There's also been a decline in sectarian violence." So, which was it in Iraq today: "progress" and declining violence, or "horrific bombings"? Let's take a look...

• 9 U.S. soldiers killed in suicide car bomb with 20 more U.S. soldiers and 1 Iraqi civilian wounded.
• 1 U.S. soldier killed in Muqtadya in roadside bomb.
• 6 Iraqi police officers, including 1 police general, killed in a suicide car bomb in Baquba.
• 20 Iraqi civilians killed and 35 more wounded by suicide car bomb at a restaurant in Ramadi.
• 4 Iraqi civilians and police killed, with 6 more wounded, in a suicide car bomb just outside of Ramadi.
• 7 Iraqis killed and 16 more wounded when a suicide bomber detonated an explosive vest inside of a restaurant near the Green Zone.
• 10 people dead and 20 more wounded by suicide car bomb in Tal Uskuf.
• A mosque in southwest Baghdad was bombed, with a mosque guard being killed during entry into the mosque to set explosives.
• Two parked car bombs exploded near Iran's embassy.

Hmmm...I think it was more of a "horrific bombings" day, kind of like the other 1,450+ days since President Bush's banner declared "Mission Accomplished" on the deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln.

Earth Day, The Bill Maher Way

New Rule: From now on Earth Day really must be a year round thing. And in honor of this Earth Day, starting Monday supermarket clerks must stop putting the big bottle of detergent with a handle on it in a plastic bag. I don't mean to tell you how to do your job, but you see that handle you just lifted the detergent with?

I can use that same handle to carry the detergent to my car. And stop putting my liquor in a smaller paper sack before you put it in the big paper sack with my other stuff. What, are you afraid my groceries will think less of me if they see I've been drinking? Trust me, the broccoli doesn't care, and the condoms already know.

Here's a quote from Albert Einstein: "if the bee disappeared off the surface of the globe, then man would have only four years of life left. No more bees, no more pollination, no more plants, no more animals, no more man." Well, guess what? The bees are disappearing. In massive numbers. All around the world. And if you think I'm being alarmist and that, "Oh, they'll figure out some way to pollinate the plants..." No, they've tried. For a lot of what we eat, only bees work. And they're not working. They're gone. It's called Colony Collapse Disorder, when the hive's inhabitants suddenly disappear, and all that's left are a few queens and some immature workers -- like when a party winds down at Elton John's house. Also, if your stinger stays up more than 48 hours, call your doctor.

But I think we're the ones suffering from Colony Collapse Disorder. Because although nobody really knows for sure what's killing the bees, it's not al-Qaeda, and it's not God doing some of his Old Testament shtick, and it's not Winnie the Pooh. It's us. It could be from pesticides, or genetically modified food, or global warming, or the high-fructose corn syrup we started to feed them. Recently it was discovered that bees won't fly near cell phones -- the electromagnetic signals they emit might screw up the bees navigation system, knocking them out of the sky. So thanks guy in line at Starbucks, you just killed us. It's nature's way of saying, "Can you hear me now?"

Last week I asked: If it solved global warming, would you give up the TV remote and go back to carting your fat ass over to the television set every time you wanted to change the channel. If that was the case in America, I think Americans would watch one channel forever. If it comes down to the cell phone vs. the bee, will we choose to literally blather ourselves to death? Will we continue to tell ourselves that we don't have to solve environmental problems -- we can just adapt: build sea walls instead of stopping the ice caps from melting. Don't save the creatures of the earth and oceans, just learn to eat the slime and jellyfish that nothing can kill, like Chinese restaurants are already doing.

Maybe you don't need to talk on your cell phone all the time. Maybe you don't' need a bag when you buy a keychain. Americans throw out 100 billion plastic bags a year, and they all take a thousand years to decompose. Your children's children's children's children will never know you but they'll know you once bought batteries at the 99 cent store because the bag will still be caught in the tree. Except there won't be trees. Sunday is Earth Day. Please educate someone about the birds and the bees, because without bees, humans become the canary in the coal mine, and we make bad canaries because we're already such sheep.

[From the April 20th episode of HBO's 'Real Time with Bill Maher']

To My Fiance...

I can't wait for tonight's BIRTHDAY BONANZA...which will really just include eating pasta and cake, and opening presents while the kids freak out...I can't wait!

I'm Calling It...Maybe

I'm going to go out on a limb here and predict that by 5:00pm tomorrow evening, Friday April 20th, 2007, Alberto Gonzales will have tendered his resignation as the Attorney General of the United States.

If I'm right, I will have proven my keen political sense and thus I request to have an M.A. in the field of politics conferred upon me immediately.

If I'm wrong...well...I'm wrong. And I will cower in shame until next Friday evening, when I will likely post this prediction again.

[UPDATE: Damn!]

Gun Laws Kill People

He was referred to the campus disciplinary system by police after stalking a female student on campus...he was named in an unwanted contact complaint to police by yet another female student...he was reported to police as being suicidal...he was sent to an off campus counseling center and detained at a mental health center for several days...he was reported to an academic department by a professor after receiving disturbing writings...and, even with all these documented incidences, he had no trouble purchasing a Glock 19 handgun and a box of ammunition.

Nope, not a thing wrong with American gun control laws.

Abstinence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

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$1.5 Billion Abstinence Drive 'Waste'

NEW YORK. A sum of $1.5 billion spent by the US Government to promote sexual abstinence in teenagers over the past decade may have been entirely wasted, a study produced for Congress indicates.

The six-year study conducted by Mathematica Policy Research followed the sexual behavior of more than 2,000 teenagers. It indicated that those who had received abstinence-based sexual education exhibited almost identical behavior to those who had had a more conventional education.

Teenagers from both groups had the same average age for their first sexual experience: 14.9 years. One quarter in both groups had had sex with three or more partners.

President Bush has been a proponent of abstinence-based education, with federal funding rising steadily under his Administration.

[From Times Online, April 16 2007]

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What Movies To See...Last Year

OK, I know it may seem a little strange to be posting my 'Top Ten Movies of 2006' at this point, well over 3 months into the year 2007, but I can explain. With the recent viewing of The Last King of Scotland (which did not end up making the list), I now feel as though I've seen a sufficient amount of 2006 movies to declare my list "closed" to any further changes. Moreover, considering that just about all of these movies have finally been released on DVD, it's now a perfect opportunity for you to bask in my infinite movie wisdom as you prepare your Netflix queue for the coming weeks.

As for the methodology used to create this list, it's really just my own informal consideration that is best summed up by the claim that these ten movies provide the best overall cinematic experience out of the pool of movies released in 2006. So, without further ado...

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10. Babel......It's the weakest of the Academy Award Best Picture nominees, but it still remains a very ambitious undertaking by a great director, namely Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu.

9. Casino Royale......A younger, edgier Bond mixed in with a good story, solid action, and a high-stakes Texas Hold'em poker game. Basically brings shame to all the Pierce Brosnan Bond movies.

8. Children of Men......One of the most visually stunning movies of the year, thanks to the film making genius that is Alfanso Cuaron. The story may not blow you away, but the camera work definitely will.

7. Borat......A redefinition of what can be accomplished in the comedy (and somewhat documentary) genre. One scene in particular is guaranteed to be like nothing you've ever seen on film.

6. An Inconvenient Truth......Any documentary that is able to successfully catapult its issue to the front of the national dialogue is an overwhelming success. When it also resuscitates the image of a great political figure, that's just amazing.

5. Letters From Iwo Jima......More than just a war film, this movie takes storytelling to a powerful level. The characters resonate, especially Ken Watanabe who should have easily been in the Best Actor race over Will Smith.

4. Little Miss Sunshine......Casting at it's finest, easily the best ensemble cast of the year. It's a one-two punch to the funny bone and to the heart.

3. The Queen......I couldn't believe how enthralled I was with yet another movie about a queen of England. Maybe it has something to do with Helen Mirren being so unbelievable, the script being so great, and the drama being so real.

2. Little Children......A stunning film that proves several things: 1) Kate Winslet has more acting talent that most of the actresses of her generation combined, 2) the use of voice-over in film can be an incredible tool in storytelling when employed appropriately, and 3) suburban life can get pretty intense.

1. The Departed......The top few movies here are rather close (and, on any given day, I feel as though I could argue them in any order), but it's The Departed that has one thing I'm just not sure the other movies have: it's destined to be a classic.

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BREAKING NEWS

DNA tests confirm Anna Nicole Smith's mother Virgie Arthur NOT the biological father of Smith's baby daughter Dannielynn. Stay tuned for more developments.

Happy Peeps Day!

Eat Peeps. Be happy.

Tell Us How You Really Feel, Bill

Never in a million years did I think I would say the following...
Nice job, Geraldo Rivera!

Q: Has Dick Cheney Become Marginalized In The Bush White House?

A: This priceless video clip from C-SPAN.

A Healthy Dose of Perspective

This past week I decided to start reading The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini, a former New York Times Bestseller and upcoming adapted film directed by Marc Foster (Finding Neverland, Stranger Than Fiction), which will be released later this year...2008 Oscar Season, here we come!

Why, you ask, did I start reading this book? Well, would you believe me if I said my independent intellectual curiosity for world literature was just too strong to ignore? Yeah, I didn't think so. It turns out my fiance is teaching the book to her 12th grade world literature class, a decision I applaud her school for making considering I can't remember anything nearly as contemporary and interesting being part of the curriculum during my senior year.

The events of the story, clearly based on the life experiences of Hosseini, are fictionalized within the historical background of modern Afghanistan. I can't get over how Hosseini, a career physician, was able to write such an interesting first book. I think it's precisely his amateur level of experience as a writer that makes the story feel even more real and accessible to the reader. Reading this book is like eating a piece of sponge cake: you start off taking a little piece here and a little piece there, and before you know it you're halfway done eating the entire cake!

Read this book...and now I have a craving for sponge cake. New rule: no more food analogies in my blog posts.

Bush To America: Progress Made In Iraq

April Fools !!!