Coming Soon !!!

Heading to the beach for Memorial Day weekend, but I wanted to let you know what to expect from the blog in the coming weeks...

• Movie reviews for The Da Vinci Code and X-Men: The Last Stand...both of which involve the amazing Sir Ian McKellen!
• It will finally be revealed what I expect Mr. Cooper to obtain for me in Italy.
• Yet another funny clip from Ebaum's World.
• Also, my thoughts on: being a substitute teacher, Jim Carrey's greatest work, the madness that is the Jurassic Park Trilogy, and the use of fax machines in contemporary society.

Stay Tuned...

What a Day! (Part 2)

Ok, the moment you've all been waiting for (and by "you all", I mean the 3 people left actually checking my blog on any regular basis since I last posted WEEKS ago...very sorry about that), it's time to finally find out just what happened on that crazy day, Friday May 12th, 2006...

Just to recap, here are the 3 possible scenarios of what happened the night of Andrea's college graduation:

1. We accidentally pushed the 'POLICE' emergency button on Andrea's phone, which resulted in an angry visit from the Hamilton Police.
   
2. We entered and successfully completed a 5K race, in which Andrea finished 1st Place for her age group.
3. We drove to Philadelphia to see Gavin DeGraw perform in a private concert that we were invited to, thanks to Andrea's cousin Frank.

Which actually happened? Well...If you said #1, that we accidentally pushed the 'POLICE' button on Andrea's phone, you'd be very wrong (in fact, what phone, besides those marketed to old people, still has the 'POLICE', 'FIRE', and 'POISON CONTROL' buttons on the base?!)...If you said #3, that we had a private Gavin DeGraw concert in Philadelphia, you'd also be very wrong (while we have gone to two Gavin DeGraw concerts in the past, I'm pretty sure Andrea does'nt have a cousin Frank)...For all you people out there that picked #2, YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY CORRECT!!! You win the fake prize! See Mr. Cooper...

I know it seems absolutely insane that Andrea and I would suddenly decide to enter a 5K race on her graduation day (and even more incredible that Andrea would finish first in her age group), but there are perfectly rational explanations for both of these occurrences. Well, maybe not rational, but explanations...

One of Andrea's sisters has a friend whose father passed away from cancer a little over ten years ago. He was an avid runner and, ever since his untimely passing, a 5K charity race has been held in his honor each year. Well, Andrea had mentioned during the morning of her graduation that the race was at 7:00PM that night and, considering I always do things that I am extremely unprepared for, I was pumped to enter the race. So we did!

We took a quick 1 hour power nap after our dinner at The Olive Garden, and it was off to the race to register. With our $20 registration fee, we received a free t-shirt and a one-way ticket to running HELL...

Let me just say right now, running 20 minutes a day at the gym on a treadmill is NOTHING like running for 3.1 miles in the middle of a neighborhood street...one ends with a sense of satisfaction with one's physical abilities, the other ends with a sense of heart and lung failure. BUT, even though it was very challenging, both Andrea and I were able to run the ENTIRE time, never stopping to rest, and finished around 32 minutes (which isn't that bad, considering we did about three 10 minutes miles pretty steadily). A little less exciting was that, while we didn't come in last place, we finished in 71st and 72nd place out of........80 runners. Kind of sucks, but we did it AND almost all of the runners there were super-serious runners, not somewhat physically capable 22 year-olds with a death wish (the #1 runner finished around 15 minutes, which is really good...but it's nice to know we finished with a time only doubled that of the first place finisher). Best part of the race: getting to grab the small cup of water while continuing to run, splashing it on my face, and then throwing the cup on the ground, just like the real runners do!

So, how did Andrea come in 1st place for her age group if she finished in 71st place overall? Well, when you're one of only two females entered in the 18-24 year old age group, it's more possible than it seems. Still, she beat the other girl and I'm damn proud of her!

There you go, that's the end of our crazy day, Friday May 12th, 2006. Unfortunately, the next day, Saturday May 13th, 2005, was a return to the usual routine of my daily life (i.e. watching movies, eating food, going to the gym, spending time with Andrea, etc.)...of course, I had to figure out how to do all this without using my legs, as my leg muscles decided to take the next few days off in protest over my abusing them...hell hath no fury like a calf muscle scorned!

What a Day! (Part 1)

Yesterday was an INSANE day of events, definitely worthy of a post...

I woke up around 7:15 am, which used to be extremely unusual for me (the usual was waking up around 12 noon and going to bed around 4am...not good) but ever since I started substitute teaching, my natural sleep pattern has become more...natural. Anyway, I woke up so early because today, May 12th 2006, was my girlfriend Andrea's GRADUATION DAY!!! The weather forecast had been calling for rain all week, and highs of only the
mid-60's, so I decided to wear black dress pants from the gap, a blue Structure dress shirt (yep, the shirt is from Structure, not Express for Men...it's an old one, but still looks good, and it actually is my good friend Paul's shirt...he doesn't read this, luckily), and a nice black tie; I even brought my heavy, black winter coat because I could just picture myself being cold from rain and wind during a two-hour outdoor ceremony. After dropping off balloons at my girlfriend's house, and picking up some orange roses (they look so very cool), it was off to graduation at The College of New Jersey (TCNJ for the locals)...

So, guess what the weather ended up being like yesterday...rainy, cold, and windy? NOPE! It was SUNNY with very few clouds, HOT somewhere in the 70's, and STAGNANT with no wind blowing! Andrea's graduation was a two-part ceremony: the first part was the college-wide graduation (around 1200 students) that took place on the football field outside on VERY shiny metal bleachers; the second part was for the English graduates (around 100 or so) inside an atrium room. In terms of the outside event, let me just say the following: black pants + metal bleachers + sun = a massive amount of sweating. I was literally soaked underneath my clothes, and I had to start ripping apart my outfit just to survive. The outside ceremony itself was OK; it was kind of crazy, but there was no main guest speaker, just three local politicians (State Congressman Bill Baroni, Head of the Democratic State Committee Bonnie Watson Coleman, and State Congressman Chris Smith, who is a terrible person and EXTREMELY anti-women) who got honorary degrees and said a little something each. Too bad, considering Yankee Coach Joe Torre was giving a speech just down the road at Rider University. The inside ceremony was nice, and there was a lot of good food: cookies, cake, vegetables, crackers, cheese...of course, I was so hot and hungry I would have eaten prunes. Seeing Andrea walk up and receive her diploma was the greatest, I couldn't have been more proud of her! She graduated Magna Cum Laude (only 100 in her entire graduating class), wore honor cords for the English Honor Society and Education Honor Society, and gained the respect of so many professors at TCNJ...

~ CONGRATULATIONS ANDREA ~

After the graduation ceremony, we had no choice but to go with fate and have lunch at Olive Garden. Kind of a back story here: for all graduation ceremonies involving myself or Andrea, we have always gone to Olive Garden...after our high school graduation both of our families went to Olive Garden to celebrate; after my college graduation, the same. It's not even like we are in love with the food there, it's just a part of tradition now that we can't avoid. So, after a nice lunch (I got the chicken parmigiana...a Mr. Cooper favorite), Andrea opened up a present from me; I got her a Targus Slim Line Woman's Laptop Case to carry her brand new, awesome Dell laptop. For our high school graduation, I randomly bought her a Sansui VCR for $19.99 (nope, not Samsung...Sansui, the fakest brand I've ever seen); we constantly laugh about it, especially since the VCR still works after 5 years of use. After lunch, we went back to Andrea's house and decided to take a nice nap for an hour or so (we were both so tired, and both got little sleep the night before). You would think the eventful day would end there, but it was FAR from over!

~ What do YOU think happened next? ~
I'll give you three possible scenarios:

1. We accidentally pushed the 'POLICE' emergency button on Andrea's phone, which resulted in an angry visit from the Hamilton Police.
   
2. We entered and successfully completed a 5K race, in which Andrea finished 1st Place for her age group.
   
3. We drove to Philadelphia to see Gavin DeGraw perform in a private concert that we were invited to, thanks to Andrea's cousin Frank.

Do you know what actually happened next?

If so, leave a comment with your answer.
The prize is an all expense paid vacation to ITALY, courtesy of Mr. Cooper!

UPDATE #2: A "Daily" Sighting...

I don't expect that these will stop anytime soon, considering how popular the Motorola RAZR cell phone is in our society. This time, we find our sleek little friend in the hands of Jon Stewart, the host of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. During a joke involving the recent shenanigans of the newly functioning Iraqi Parliament (namely, an uproar that occurred after a member's cell phone rang with a popular Shiite tune...I'm trying to think of a funny song title here, but I'm just too tired to be creative...leave a comment if you can think of a funny title for a ringtone on the cell phone of an Iraqi Shiite Parliament member...thanks), a cell phone ringing to the tune of 'It's Raining Men' conveniently interrupted Jon Stewart. Of course, he reached into his suit pocket revealing...A SILVER MOTOROLA RAZR! Stephen Colbert -- take notice! I want to see you clutching a beautiful, black RAZR by the end of next week!

Someone Had One Too Many Good Burgers...

I just couldn't resist posting this. In a continuation of my Keenan Thompson bashing, below is the cast member bio of Keenan from the Saturday Night Live website. I'm not sure which is more embarrassing...the paragraph describing an incredibly horrible string of acting jobs or the accompanying picture that captures his natural stupidity.

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Kenan Thompson as Repertory Player Kenan Thompson is in his third season on “Saturday Night Live.” Thompson has made numerous contributions to the show including impressions of Bill Cosby, Rev. Al Sharpton and Star Jones. A native of Atlanta, Georgia, Thompson made his television debut as a member of Nickelodeon’s all-kid sketch comedy series “All That.” He and his partner Kel Mitchell debuted in a spinoff show “Kenan and Kel” in 1996. Thompson also had a recurring role on the WB’s “Felicity.” Thompson’s feature film credits include “D2: The Mighty Ducks,” “Good Burger” “Rocky & Bullwinkle,” “Heavyweights” with Ben Stiller, “The Boss’ Daughter” with Ashton Kutcher and “Barbershop 2.” Most recently, Thompson played the title role in the live-action “Fat Albert.” Upcoming projects include “Snakes on a Plane” opposite Samuel L. Jackson. Thompson lives in Los Angeles and New York. His birthday is May 10.

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UPDATE: Another Motorola RAZR Sighting...

In tonight's episode of Alias (only two episodes left in the series...yee will be sorely missed), Agent Sydney Bristow (played by Jennifer Garner) was using a black Motorola RAZR cell phone to talk to her dad (played by Victor Garber). Interestingly, Sydney's nemesis Anna Espinosa (who's DNA was altered to make her look exactly like Sydney) was ALSO using a black Motorola RAZR. So, technically, this is TWO new sightings of my awesome phone. SCORE!

Choose To Accept This Mission

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Movie Title: Mission: Impossible III (or M:i:III)

Starring: Tom Cruise, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Ving Rhames, Keri Russell, Laurence Fishburne, Billy Crudup, Michelle Monaghan, Jonathan Rhys Meyers.

Time & Date of Showing: 1:00 matinee showing on Tuesday, May 9th.

Attended With: Papa CJ (he also loves movies as much as I do...unfortunately, he forgets to turn on his "crap filter" and insists on watching movies like the recent remake of The Fog...oh Papa CJ, you so crazy!).

Theater Situation: Theater 12 at AMC Hamilton 24 Theaters, which is the second biggest theater they have. No more than 10 people were in the theater and, considering it was a weekday matinee and opening weekend box office sales were less than spectacular ($48 million grossed), it was no surprise. Lots of leg room for all!

Movie Synopsis in One Sentence: A recently domesticated Ethan Hunt is drawn back into the field when an IMF agent he trained finds herself in danger.

The Good: I'm the first to admit that I almost always like the movies that Tom Cruise stars in (Jerry Maguire, Collateral, Magnolia, etc.). This is no exception, with Cruise proving once again that he's good at doing action movies. A good supporting cast helps too, especially the amazing Philip Seymour Hoffman, as well as a solid trio of male roles including Lawrence Fishburne, Billy Crudup, and Ving Rhames. As usual, you can tell you're watching a creation of J.J. Abrams (father of ABC's cult hit series Lost) when you see a story that entangles action, mystery, and personal lives, and does so in a way that makes them complementary to one another and to the overall flow of the movie.

The Bad: I claim that Michelle Monaghan, the actress playing Cruise's significant other in the movie, was clearly seperated at birth from Katie Holmes, Cruise's real life lady. I don't know if this casting was done intentionally or not, but at some points I felt like I had wondered into the most recent issue of National Enquirer (honestly, look at the picture below: Holmes or Monaghan?).Best Scene: This is a tough one. The entire sequence involving the Vatican City was just pure excitement and fun; it was like watching a perfectly choreographed dance, with a lot less twirling and a lot more wall scaling. But, I have to say that the five-minute exchange between Cruise and Hoffman aboard the IMF airplane reached new heights in action movie interrogation techniques (pun intended).

Worst Scene: Did we really need to hear Agent Dunn, eagerly awaiting Agent Hunt's return from a dangerous part of the mission, discuss how she used to pray for her cat's safety when he ran away? No, we didn't. Save this stuff for the DVD deleted scenes, or for the janitor to sweep up off of the cutting room floor.

The Verdict: An excellent movie with sequences that will blow you away, definitely as good as and potentially better than the original. Don't miss the first great movie of the summer.

If You Liked______, You'll Like This Movie: Mission: Impossible, Minority Report, Alias (TV).

FINAL GRADE: A

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Can You Hear Me Now? Good!

This week's edition of The CJ Times...

• I currently possess a brand new, black Motorola RAZR V3 cell phone! Today, I marched down to my local Cingular store, swung open the door, and DEMANDED the lowest price possible for purchasing my new RAZR. They had no choice but to acquiesce with my demands, charging me only $79.99 for my new phone. Some may claim that a current Mother's Day promotion has lowered the price to $79.99...I like to believe that my ending each sentence with the phrase "get it done" had something to do with it. Also, in case you're keeping tabs, I've counted FOUR sightings of a RAZR phone being used by characters in television shows or movies: President Logan on 24 (he has a silver one), Sandy Cohen on The O.C., someone on Scrubs (I can't remember who exactly), and most of the IMF agents in Mission Impossible 3 (actually, these are modified RAZR phones to look more advanced, but they're your basic RAZR style...this counts). It feels good to be trendy.
• This is actually from last week's news but, thanks to a reminder from tonight's Daily Show (or as my DVR titles it, 'The Daily Show with Jon'), I feel the need to post this. For those who have yet to see, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was served a healthy portion of "whoop-ass pie" during a speech in Atlanta last week (check out the video here). To summarize, after a few "wild protestors" expressed their hatred for Mr. Rumsfeld (and were promptly escorted out), a calm, calculated series of question came from a man in the front of the audience regarding Rumsfeld's pre-war claims about the existence of WMD's. Unfortunately (for Rumsfeld), these questions came from Ray McGovern, a 27-year veteran of the CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY. Oops, looks like someone did their homework (i.e. has a memory that extends beyond 1 week) and actually asked some pointed questions. Hey, members of the media, you get a chance almost every day to ask the important questions...DO YOUR JOB!
• It was a sad weekend for physical fitness, as I seem to have torn the muscle in my left tricep. A few days ago I noticed a lump had formed on my muscle, which I immediately assumed was cancerous (as I do with all foreign bumps that appear on my body). And, as usual, I took a few minutes to check out WebMD (which is 100% responsible for me getting in shape the past year...we'll talk about this later) and quickly found out that a torn muscle is usually identified by a small lump of muscle above the tear, bruising, and soreness (all of which I had). So, no weight machines at the gym this weekend, BUT I did manage to get in a 45-minute Veteran's Park bike ride or two in with my girlfriend and her family, followed by a few entertaining rounds of long jump at my old high school track and field facilities. Good times, but I want my tricep back, STAT!
• Finally, it appears that the prophecy has been fulfilled and on June 6th, 2006 (6/6/6) the world will come to a fiery end. What, you may wonder, fulfilled the Apocalyptic prophecy? Well, it occurred around 12:32am on Sunday May 7th, and it was witnessed by millions of people around the world: on Saturday Night Live, the great Tom Hanks was forced to perform a sketch with...with...KENAN THOMPSON!!! That's right, very early on during his life Nostradamus wrote the following passage in his private journal: "From wence it came, The fire and the flame, Will rain upon the land, Will spare not one, From the union of great Hanks and 'All That' of Thompson." I couldn't make this up if I tried...

What God Must Have Felt Like...

I HAVE A DVR BOX!!! Finally, I've managed to obtain the one modern invention that was clearly the result of a study conducted on my life, specifically my insane obsession with recording hours and hours of television every day, every year for the past 8 years (give or take a season). I am in COMPLETE control of all this is television! Now, the need to rush home during the 3-minute break between Deal or No Deal and The Apprentice because I am already recording 24 at 9:00pm is no longer a necessity when all will be recorded simultaneously; the urge to "release" the 32 liters of Aquafina water I have just consumed is no longer a burden when I can pause The Daily Show at any time; AND, no longer will I have to get angry at my television when this week's episode of Lost is just a recap episode of the season, because my DVR creates NEW episodes of all my favorite shows when they're off for the week...yeah, so, I completely made up that last function, but how COOL would that be!?

Speaking of Lost, the world needs to just declare that this is one of the best shows ever created and J.J. Abrams is indeed Jesus resurrected for a second time (first time, for all my Jewish friends out there...hollllaaaaaa!...or should I say challahhhhh!...if you don't get this, you don't know your Jewish breads, something I pride myself on knowing). As amazingly in-depth as the plot lines, characters, and visuals of each episode of Lost are, what always surprises me is how involved the people behind Lost are in creating the "extra myth", as I like to call it, outside of the episodes themselves. I'm not talking about the message boards or the official Lost website, which almost all shows have in some form or another. I'm talking about things like extremely detailed, and completely fake (i.e. made based on the events of the show) websites, such as The Oceanic Airlines website based on the airline company of the crashed plane, and The Hanso Foundation website based on the scientific-ish company behind (?) so much of the events on the island. There are enough juicy details in each of these websites to keep any obsessive fan occupied for DAYS!

Not satisfied? How about a fake commercial that ran during last week's episode which advertises the "experience" of The Hanso Foundation (it plays on the home page of the website I linked above); in the television airing, a phone number was included (namely, 1-877-HANSORG)...do yourself a favor and call it; it's equally the most entertaining and scariest phone recordings linked to a television show I have ever heard, after the "916-Call-Turk" phone number that was Turk's cell new cell phone last season on Scrubs, which was equally entertaining (actually, the 'k' isn't necessary when dialing the phone number, so save yourself a good 0.09 seconds and leave it off). Interestingly, this is the second time in the past couple of months that I've seen a show create fake commercials, the other being a great NBC show The Office (also a favorite for show "extras" -- each member of the cast has a blog which they update during the idle time of filming new episodes) which made multiple faux-"The More You Know..." commercials with various cast members. One of my favorites, stated by Mr. Dwight Schrute -- "Myth: wolves are dangerous to humans. Fact: you have a better chance of being hit by a meteorite than eaten by a wolf...except if you wake up naked in the woods." You couldn't PAY for that kind of "extra" goodness...unless you wait to buy the DVD box set which will almost certainly contain all the commercials.

Bloggin' with Mr. CJ

First, a quick apology for not posting the past couple of days. I've been sort of busy getting some things organized (i.e. life) and have also been suffering from what I call Sudden Sleep Syndrome (SSS). SSS is when you plan on staying up for a couple more hours at night to watch a movie, read a book, post on your blog, etc., and before you can get started you decide to lie down on your bed for a second or two, and WAM...you're asleep! You'll know you've had an SSS attack if you wake up at 5:23AM and your room light, television, and computer are still turned on, OR if you're laying on top of a cell phone, remote control, or Entertainment Weekly magazine. Unfortunately, I'm a chronic sufferer.

Anyway, time to catch up on the past couple day's events...

• I've been substitute teaching at my former middle school for the past couple of days. Every time I sub, they ask me to come back for a couple more days, so I haven't had to sub at any other schools, which is nice. I must say, it's extremely weird to be a substitute teacher at a former school you attended, especially seeing my old teachers, some of whom recognize me with screams of joy, while others only offer a passing smile. Also, these kids are a good TWELVE years younger than me! First official experience feeling "old"...these kids have no clue what it's like to not have the internet, cell phones, or i-pods! Back in my day...nevermind. Some people think I'm crazing for being a sub at the middle school level, considering how horrible kids at that age can be. However, I choose to look at the situation as a sliding scale, with Kindergarten being at one end and 12th grade being at the other: the closer you get to Kindergarten, the greater the chances of being vomited on by a student; conversely, the closer you get to 12th grade, the greater the chances of being stabbed by a student. Therefore, I have the least chance of being vomited on or stabbed by students in the 6th, 7th, and 8th grade region. Pretty sound logic, as long as I avoid little Tommy Bronzano, the 7th grader that vomits on substitute teachers while stabbing them.
  

• I've officially decided to get a black Motorola RAZR for my next cell phone. I'm in my upgrade period with Cingular, and the RAZR is just awesome. Also, I got a pink RAZR for my girlfriend for her birthday, and for almost all of the past seven years together we've had the same model phone, so I'm not about to tempt fate with the cell phone gods...that's right, it's Cellulore, the God of Cell Phones, that causes all those calls to be dropped. Praise be to Cellulore.
• Courtesy of Mr. Cooper, I've just watched the new movie trailer of Superman Returns. Wow...just wow. Watch this trailer, please. If you have any desire to see this movie, you will find yourself with "trailer chills", as I call them (basically, when a movie trailer is so exciting, you literally get chills down your spine). AND, Superman Returns opens in June, a few weeks after my birthday. Happy Birthday to me!
• Congratulations to me on getting approved for my new Barnes & Noble Mastercard! Very exciting. Now, I get an additional 5% off of my BN purchases, and my 15.2% APR is actually one of the lowest of the credit cards I have (Best Buy: 21%...how dare you!). I am a bit nervous, considering that the credit limit is the highest I've ever been approved for...lets just say, I've been fantasizing about purchasing some insane items: a 2001 Jeep Grand Cherokee, a $10,000 seat at the World Series of Poker, trillions of marshmallow Peeps, etc.
• In television news, two very exciting happenings this week (both of which Mr. Cooper has also discussed...check it out): Stephen Colbert's closing speech at the White House Correspondents Dinner, and the coming attractions to next week's episode of The Apprentice. First, Stephen Colbert, "the man with the brass balls", as everyone is calling him. Colbert stood in a room full of the biggest names in government, the media, and entertainment (talking about Clooney here...sorry Laurence Fishburne), with the President no more than 10 feet away, and delivered one of the most hilarious satirical speeches ever. Some controversy has arisen over the actual greatness of this speech, but I prefer to inquire about another issue: do we know that President Bush is even smart enough to understand satire? Second, next week's episode of The Apprentice, which I will call "the greatest episode ever". The task will involve the six remaining candidates organizing a tailgate event, sponsored by Outback Steakhouse, at...wait for it...wait for it...A RUTGERS FOOTBALL GAME!!! That's right, The Apprentice is teaming up with the Scarlet Knight, certainly thanks to last year's Apprentice winner Randal, a Rutgers graduate. I will give ANYTHING to see one of the following things: President McCormick shouting "Go RU!" to the candidates, Donald Trump performing the Rutgers TOUCHDOWN cheer, Carolyn ordering a "Fat Darrell" at the Grease Trucks, or anything involving the candidates riding an'A' or 'H' bus...which subsequently crashes into a dorm (for those of you who don't know, this actually happened...and it was hilarious...see below).

Who Arrrre These People !?

I just thought of something. There are A LOT of television shows that tape each day in front of a live studio audience. Some of them I watch all the time: Conan, The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, Real Time with Bill Maher, etc. Some of them I watch whenever I happen to catch them: Ellen, Letterman, SNL, The Price is Right (hardly ever awake for this one), Who Wants to Be A Millionaire (or this one...and it airs around NOON!), The Jimmy Kimmel Show, etc. And for some of them I'd sooner pull out my fingernails with pliers before watching them: The View, Oprah, Dr. Phil (these three shows alone are enough to make any man sterile for a good year or so after viewing), The Tony Danza Show (who the hell asked for this show? who wants to listen to Tony Danza right after waking up in the morning!?), Live with Regis and Kelly, Jerry Springer (yep, he's still on), Martha Stewart, all judge shows (you've got your Judge Judy, your Divorce Court, your Judge Joe Brown, and so on), etc.

Regardless, I just realized that with each of these shows (and the many shows that I didn't mention) a group of about a hundred or so audience members is required for EACH show's taping! That means that THOUSANDS of people are attending live tapings of shows EACH DAY across the country (mostly in NY, LA, and Chicago, of course). Considering how most of these shows have restrictions on how often you can be a member of their audience (usually once per year), that makes it less likely that these audiences are made up of the same people over and over again. Where do all of these people come from!?

Sure, during college I attended a taping of Conan, Jon Stewart, and Letterman with my friends (as I'm sure many college students do, since they have so much free time), and there's also retired people. But, it's not like the studio audience at Conan is filled with a bunch of people in there 20's and 70's! There are plenty of middle-aged people in the audiences of shows...why aren't they at work, taking care of their families, or doing something else important (again, when your in college or an old person, going to see Letterman IS the most important thing to do)?

The only educated guess I can make is that our country's unemployment rate is so out of control that the people of our nation have decided to give up looking for new jobs and, instead, have decided to seek comfort in the warm embrace of the studio audience. Any other ideas?

It's Time for Everybody's FAVORITE Blog Game...

~ NAME...THAT...STUPID PERSON! ~

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Mystery Guest #1

Our first mystery guest hails all the way from Hollywood California where he currently tapes his nightly "comedy" show for the Comedy Central Network. Unlike Jon Stewart of The Daily Show or Stephen Colbert of The Colbert Report, this Hispanic comedian enjoys telling jokes that not only have no comedic value, but will likely induce severe pain among the viewers. Some say he reminds them of the legendary Chich Marin; others say he resembles a pile of crap wearing clothes. Regardless, this comedian really makes you wonder what the executives at Comedy Central were thinking when they gave such a terrible comedian his own show.

Can you guess who this stupid person is!?
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Mystery Guest #2

Our second mystery guest is not a popular person these days, but that certainly isn't going to stop him from being remembered as one of the smuggest presidents of our country's history! No gut instinct will ever be trumped by facts or professional opinions while this great leader is at the helm of our government. This mystery guest has recently decided to appoint Tony Snow, an anchor at Fox News, as the new White House Press Secretary. An interesting choice, considering Mr. Snow has previously said that our mystery guest is "something of an embarrassment". Then again, our mystery guest and Mr. Snow are both republicans, so that puts them at a higher risk of having no principles.

Can you guess who this stupid person is!?
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Mystery Guest #3

Our final mystery guest can be seen every Wednesday night on ABC's hit show Lost. She joined the cast in the second season and quickly decided that this wonderful career opportunity was not as fun as get arrested for driving while intoxicated...for a second time. Even more interesting, when given the chance this past week to either perform 240 hours of community service or spend 5 days in jail, our mystery guest apparently suffered a brain aneurism and decided to take the 5 days in jail! Unfortunately, our mystery guest enjoys looking a gift horse in the mouth and doesn't realize that the standard community service sentence is one of the perks of being a celebrity that still enjoys the vices of normal people, i.e. public drunkenness. Still, the lawyer for our mystery guest explained that "it would be difficult for her to do community service" without being interrupted by her fans. At least now our mystery guest will have time away from her fans while she's meeting some new friends in jail...and when these people talk to our mystery guest about "getting inside the hatch", they're probably not referring to the latest episode of Lost.

Can you guess who this stupid person is!?
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~ Submit your answers by commenting on this post. ~

~ The first FIVE people to correctly guess all three mystery guests will win* the T-shirt below ~

~ AND ~

~ A BRAND NEW, FULLY LOADED 2006 JEEP COMMANDER !!! ~

*No purchase necessary. Offer not valid in U.S. territories, Hawaii, Alaska, or the other 48 states in the United States of America. Also not valid in all other countries of the world, as well as the planets of Mars, Venus, Mercury, Neptune, Uranus, Jupiter, and Saturn. Offer expires 06/30/06 for residents of Pluto not affiliated with FunnyBecauseIt'sTrue.com, Blogger.com, Jeep, Comedy Central, Chich Marin, ABC Network, or any and all subsidiary companies of said enterprises.

Is That Your Final Answer?

Earlier this week I managed to wake up before noon (I know, it's a pretty big accomplishment) and upon turning on the television, I was greeted by an episode of the daytime version of Who Wants to Be A Millionaire. I used to watch this show all the time, but ever since Mr. Cooper was a contestant on the show back in junior year of college, it just hasn't been as exciting. How can I care about Bob Bunkerton from Wichita, Kansas trying to win enough money to buy a new home, when I've already experienced the excitement of Mr. Cooper and Meredith Vieira shooting the breeze!?

Anyway, I was watching the show and the current contestant was a 25-ish year old guy who seemed to be pretty intelligent. And then this happened....here was the $1000 question:

Q: When covering a fire with a blanket, you are depriving the fire of...

(A) Oxygen................................(B) Carbon Dioxide

(C) Hydrogen.......................................(D) Nitrogen

After a few moments of silence, the seemingly intelligent guy muttered "Well...I know it's not (C) or (D)." Excuse me!? YOU HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THIS!? How does a person get on Who Wants to Be A Millionaire without knowing facts that every 3rd grader learns, facts like "A fire requires OXYGEN"!!! Just sad. And guess what he did next? That's right, he decided to "ask the audience". Wow, nice job...way to waste your lifelines, moron. I guess I should also be surprised and appalled that only 96% of the audience said "Oxygen" (with 2% choosing "Carbon Dioxide" and 1% choosing "Hydrogen" and "Nitrogen" each); then again, in a previous episode of Millionaire, a good 8% of the audience believed the last word in the title of the popular children's game "Duck, Duck, ____" was "Bear", rather than "Goose". That would certainly change the way the game is played: after little Kimberly taps little Tommy on the head, Tommy gets up, chases Kimberly around the circle, and then mauls her to death.

It's a boy!!!

Just a quick CONGRATULATIONS to my girlfriend's sister, who gave birth on April 25th, 2006 to one of the cutest little boys I've ever seen! And, although he was actually named after his grandfather, he also shares a name with my brother, which is cool. This also marks the first time I've EVER held a baby, and it was really exciting. It's amazing how heavy 8 pounds,1 ounce can feel when you're nervously holding a little person that is only 24 hours old!

UPDATE: Best Buy Binge

Remember how I was talking about going and buying Final Fantasy VII - Advent Children today at Best Buy for the low, low price of $14.99? Well guess what happened when I got there? THEY WERE SOLD OUT! Damn them! I should have known. Then, I figured I could just order it on BestBuy.com and have it shipped to the store. Well, conveniently enough, they are currently out of stock on the website, too. I don't have the patience for these shipping shenanigans (what a great alliteration)! I've been forced to get a rain check at Best Buy, to preserve the low, low price of $14.99, and they will "notify me by mail" when the next shipment arrives at the store. What is this, Kmart in 1992!?

The silver lining of this consumer cloud (alliteration #2) comes in the form of DVD television box sets. While scurrying around Best Buy in a purchasing panic (and alliteration #3...done, and done), I stumbled upon a display for American Dad - Season 1, which was also released today. Ironically, I just added this to my Amazon.com Wish List last night, but was not planning on buying it anytime soon. UNTIL, lo and behold, I gazed upon the tiny sign atop the DVD display: "Buy American Dad - Season 1 and INSTANTLY Save $15.00 on Any Season of Family Guy or The Simpson's!". To this I responded...SOLD! I have been on the brink of buying Family Guy - Volume 3 for months now, and this was the perfect fiscal-conscious excuse to do so. Therefore, instead of spending $32.99 for EACH box set, I got them BOTH for the low, low price of $39.99 (that's $24.99 for American Dad and $14.99 for Family Guy). Best Buy, I forgive you.

A Jack of One Trade

As you probably know by now, I love movies. The summer movie season is just DAYS away, and I couldn't be more excited (see my earlier post, Let the 2006 Summer Movie Season Begin!) In an effort to "give back" to the movies that will (hopefully) provide me with plenty of summer entertainment, I've decided that I will post a review (of sorts) for each movie that I see this summer. And, since I am so very excited, I've decided to do a test run by "reviewing" The Sentinel. Enjoy!
______________________________________________________________

Movie Title: The Sentinel.

Starring: Michael Douglas, Kiefer Sutherland, Eva Longoria, Kim Basinger.

Time & Date of Showing: 1:45 matinee showing on Monday, April 24th.

Food & Drink Purchases: 1 Small Raspberry Iced Tea, 1 Small Popcorn (no butter), 1 pack of Welch's Fruit Snacks (a must have).

Theater Situation: Theater 11 at AMC Hamilton 24 Theaters, which is the biggest theater they have (I know because I worked there for 2 years). I'd say there were no more than 20 people in the theater, which can seat over 600 people. Considering it was a matinee, there were lots of old people, which can be good or bad: good, because they have more manners than crazy teens; bad, because there tends to be a lot of coughing, bathroom trips, and loud question asking.

Movie Synopsis in One Sentence: A mole inside the Secret Service is involved in a plan to assassinate the President of the United States.

The Good: Michael Douglas is great as a Secret Service agent, as expected, and Kiefer Sutherland (of the amazing television show, 24) adds to the suspense of the movie as an internal investigator. Surprisingly, Eva Longoria (from Desperate Housewives, or as I like to call it, Sex in the Suburbs) didn't bug me, and seemed to fit well in her role as "the rookie". Plus, you can expect an interesting story, good camera work/editing, and an exciting ending.

The Bad: Kiefer Sutherland is basically playing 24's Jack Bauer (in nicer clothes and with less shouting). Some parts of the story are a bit predictable. Kim Basinger needs to stop taking rolls that involve her being a weepy woman with emotional problems.

The Verdict: If you have time to fit this in before the summer movie season begins, go for it. If you don't see this until it comes out on DVD, you'll survive.

If You Liked______, You'll Like This Movie: In the Line of Fire, The Fugitive, The Game (The Sentinel is literally the love child of these three movies).

FINAL GRADE: B

______________________________________________________________

The 'Z' Stands For "ZZZZZZZZ...."

In case you haven't already seen, this weekend's box office numbers served as sweet vindication to all of us that warned American Dreamz was going to be a terrible, terrible movie. See for yourself...

___________________________________________
FILM ...................................................WEEKEND GROSS
Silent Hill .............................................. $20.1 million
Scary Movie 4 ....................................... $16.8
The Sentinel .......................................... $14.3
Ice Age: The Meltdown ........................ $13.2
The Wild ............................................... $8.3
The Benchwarmers ............................... $7.2
Take the Lead ....................................... $4.1
Inside Man ............................................ $3.7
American Dreamz ............................ $3.6
Friends with Money .............................. $3.1
___________________________________________

That's right. American Dreamz BOMBED, ranking in the NINTH slot and earning 3.6 million dollars, which is probably just enough to cover the cost of printing copies of the film. Millions of people made the conscious decision to watch Antonio Banderas teach urban high school students how to tango, rather than see American Dreamz. Just terrible.

It's nice to see Silent Hill on top, considering movies based on video games usually tank at the box office (then again, Silent Hill didn't get such great reviews, and probably justifiably so). I won't be seeing it, but I support their effort. I WILL, however, be purchasing the newest feature film of the critically acclaimed, bestselling Final Fantasy franchise, Final Fantasy VII - Advent Children, which goes on sale tomorrow (it's only $14.99 at Best Buy...they really do their name justice!). Thanks to Mr. Cooper for reminding me that it was being released by pointing out its place among the Top Selling DVDs on Amazon.com (currently the #1 Top Selling DVD). This is one excited dork, signing off.

A "Normal" Trip to AC

This past Sunday I took a trip to AC with my family (that's Atlantic City, New Jersey, the "Vegas of the East", for all you international blog readers out there...a special hello, or should I say "Gruezi!", to the Swiss readers that make up 4% of my daily readers). It was a fun trip: blackjack, poker, dinner at Carmine's...all around good time. I ended up leaving winning $105, which is both good and bad: good, because the rest of my family left losing between $100-$200 EACH, and bad because in the first two hours I had easily won $180, and then proceeded to lose all $180 over the next 3 hours (it wasn't until the last 30 minutes of the night that I quickly made back that $105).

Still, even though I had a good time, I couldn't help but feel like something just wasn't right, like something was missing. And I think I've figured out exactly what it was: the adventures that take place during AC trips with the great Mr. Cooper! The following comparisons will help illuminate exactly what I'm talking about...

I. Beginning the Trip:

A Normal Trip to Atlantic City involves starting the day around 9:30 AM, having some breakfast, taking a shower, and starting the 1 hour 30 minute drive around 10:30 AM, to make sure you arrive at AC by noon.

vs.

A Trip to Atlantic City with CJ & Mr. Cooper involves starting the day, or should I say afternoon, around 2:00 PM. No time to shower, only time to jump in the car and wait for Mr. Cooper's call to establish that (a) I'm 3 hours behind schedule, and (b) Mr. Cooper just woke up and will shower while I drive to his house. No time to eat, especially because there's always a Wawa sandwich, Gatorade, and bag of pretzels waiting for you on the drive down. Arrival time in AC: 5:30 PM.

II. Gambling:

A Normal Trip to AC involves a relaxing day of various types of gambling: an hour of blackjack, a $20 bill on the slot machines, watching the excitement of the craps tables, etc. You really want to win money, but you're not expecting too much.
vs.

A Trip to AC with CJ & Mr. Cooper involves only one thing: compulsive gambling. Step 1: find a $10 blackjack table; Step 2: play blackjack; Step 3: do nothing else (the only exception to 'Step 3' is to take numerous bathroom breaks during the two minutes it takes for the decks to be shuffled).

III. Meals:

A Normal Trip involves a nice dinner at a local restaurant after a few hours of gambling.
vs.

A Trip with CJ & Mr. Cooper involves a great midnight dinner at the Bally's restaurant Animations...after we've gambled for 7 hours and have won a few hundred dollars each. Of course, by this point we have become blackjack VIP's and get a meal comp of about $40 total, resulting in the free consumption of diet cokes, iced teas, chicken wings, a Burger platter, a chicken caesar salad, a slice of New York cheesecake, and an ice cream brownie sundae. Or as I like to call it, a situational eating disorder.

IV. Leaving Atlantic City:

A Normal Trip involves leaving the casino after a couple hours of post-dinner gambling, gracefully ending the trip. Departure time: 7:00 PM.
vs.

A Trip with CJ & Mr. Cooper involves battling internal demons and suffering intense mental and physical anguish. How do you walk out of a casino that you just made $300 in playing a card game? The simple answer: you don't. Four blackjack tables and 5 hours later, it's time to go. Departure time: 5:00 AM.

V. The Car Ride Home:

A Normal Trip involves a relaxing evening drive, reminiscing about the fun times of the day's events. With no major traffic, it's back home by 9:00 PM.
vs.

A Trip with CJ & Mr. Cooper involves all available sources of caffeine, including various candies, bags of chocolate, and multiple cans of soda. Once Mr. Cooper is dropped off at home, it's time to drive home alone: windows all the way down, radio all the way up, and a very tight grip on the steering wheel. Unfortunately, I'm guaranteed to hit the morning commuters, which is both annoying and extremely depressing. From the moment I see my first non-existent image on the road ahead, I know I have less than an hour left before I slip into a coma.

Happy Birthday Andrea!

I just wanted to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the best girlfriend in the ENTIRE world, Andrea! She's turning 23, so for the next 2 months I will be dating an older woman. I think I bought some really great presents this year, so I'm extra excited. Bring on the Carvel Ice Cream Cake!!!

* Happy Birthday, Andrea *
~ I Love You ~

Hello. My Name Is CJ, and I Have A Problem.

I love watching movies. I love watching television. I love reading magazines. I love reading books. I love playing video games. I love surfing the web. I LOVE ENTERTAINMENT! Unfortunately, I love doing each of these things every day. As you can guess, this results in a time-management problem. Let's calculate this...

1 New 2-Hour Movie per week
(assuming I watch 2 new movies in theaters and 2 new DVD's per month)
+
15 Hours of Television per week
(assuming I watch Prison Break, 24, The Apprentice, Scrubs, The Real World, Lost, Alias, Survivor, The O.C., My Name is Earl, The Office, Real Time with Bill Maher, The Simpsons, Family Guy, American Dad, The Sopranos, and various other shows I usually watch such as The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, South Park, and news on CNN...you know, just a few select shows )
+
5 Hours of Magazine Reading per week
(assuming it takes 2 hours to read each of 2 weekly magazines, and 2 monthly magazines)
+
1 Hour of Book Reading per week
(assuming I read less than 10 minutes per night)
+
30 Minutes of Video Game Playing per week
(this has significantly decreased over the years, even though a lot of good stuff comes out that I just don't have time or money to buy)
+
14 Hours of Web Surfing per week
(assuming 2 hours per night...thanks a lot, blog!)
=
*** 37.5 Hours of Entertainment PER WEEK ***

Putting all of this in perspective: in a week (which is made up of 168 hours), I spend 22% of my time on entertainment (which translates to 2.5 days of each 7 day week...or, in more upsetting terms, it's like watching television, reading, etc. from Midnight on Monday until Noon on Tuesday each week). This stacks up against 29% of time spent sleeping per week, 15% of my time eating meals, 4% of my time getting showered and dressed, 4% of my time driving in a car, and 0.002% of my time sneezing (this is assuming that an average sneeze, from starting to feel the sneeze urge to the finished sneeze, is 3 seconds long, and I sneeze approximately 4 times per week). Therefore, after being entertained, sleeping, eating, showering/dressing, driving, and sneezing, I have 25.998% of my week left to spend working, seeing my girlfriend, family, and friends, and thinking about the future plans of my life.

I can draw two conclusions from all of this data: (1) I should probably be spending less time on entertainment and more time on important things like thinking about my future (graduate school, here I come?); and (2) I need to find a way to either minimize my sneezing, or lessen the length of my sneezes to about 2.3 seconds each, because it's really eating into my TV watching time.

(How absurd is this picture!?)